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"Excuse me, are you from Tennesse? Because you're the only ten-I-see."
*pulls out £10 note*
"Except this one, which is yours to earn" ;)
It's hard to tell whether you like or dislike someone nowadays. Usually, that’s easy to keep track of (by skin color)
SORRY I'M NOT LIKE CHANNING TATUM
I hate it when people judge others based on their looks. No, wait. I mean mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. It's an ugly person food.
Lesbians who ride motorbikes should call themselves motordykes or just stick to their real names whatever I'm not your president, lesbos
"You're just like your mother. You can't take a punch!" - Chris Brown to his son someday.
How to fold a bed sheet: find two corners, and hold one in each hand. Now, extend your third and fourth arms, and grab the other two.
The worst part about drinking with your mates is tidying up after them! Oh wait, I've not got any friends and i'm drinking alone :(
Literally just made coco pops so that I could drink the flavoured milk because I ran out chovolate milkshake :(
Nothin can make me run down a street. Nt even if im runnin late for work. Well if there was a bear chasin me or something. But defo not work
How can bacon be better than chicken? They come from the same animal
If I was the scheming boss of a slaughter house, i'd lose the "S" in the name. Cows are more likely to visit a laughter house.
If I owned a restaurant, i'd name it the "bestaurant" because i'm a pussy, piece of shit who has the worst ideas when drunk.
Just made a dick joke at work and nobody laughed and now I dont want to work here anymore.
Read my tweets in an Australian accent, imagine my DP as a lil' good looking, fat, black guy who also beats his wife (but u dont know that)
I was going to make a gay joke. Butt fuck it.
Sorry, sir. But I was a BIG Whitney Houston fan and I just don't think i'm capable of coming into work yet.
Not a creep
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