Name your kid Layla. Name your other kid Layla. Name your dog Layla. Name your cat Layla. Name your fish Layla. Name your car Eric Clapton.

The sensitive thug licks icing from his fingers as he enjoys some Cinnabon with his homies.

You know when you're chewing gum and take a sip of cold water and it feels so good but the gum turns into a rock and why do you follow me?

It's the worst when you're talking to someone about algae and they lichen it to moss.

Bury me in a spring-loaded coffin with lots of glitter so when grave robbers crack it open they get to hate me even if they never knew me.

Hipster guy stopped me on the street to point out we're wearing the same shirt. This time I know for a fact I'm wearing a girl's shirt.

So confusing seeing people my age with tribal tattoos because it means they made that mistake after it was known to be a mistake.

Amazing new game! Stop in the path of people who are walking while texting and watch them freak out trying to get around you.

"The 0 star tweets are just too smart for your followers" I whisper to myself from within my chicken sandwich fort. I have no one in my life

I wore a scarf indoors today, if you're looking for someone to hate.

Good pickup line: "know what my favourite curve on a woman is?" *pause, smile* "her spine" (works better if she has scoliosis)

Hi there, people who tile pictures of themselves as their desktop background. Maybe don't do that anymore.

Weird how people say "slip into a coma" like it'll be super comfortable or whatever anyway point is I want to sleep for the rest of the year

Friend just told me her prof's brother beat up Tom Cruise in grade 6. I just really want to believe this.

Walmart's like "we're the world's largest retailer" but if you walk in with a cat you cut the tail of off they're like "you need to leave"

5:30 is as good a time as any to change into pajamas.

Weird dream where I signed up for origami class but couldn't make a bouquet of flowers because even in my own dreams, I'm a loser.

Walked by an old guy playing the harmonica in his car and now I have a new best friend.

Teach your ingrate son to fend for himself by roaring THEY CALL ME ABADDON and moonwalking out of the house when he won't eat his dinner

Intervention: Dudes Who Like John Mayer's Music