Facebook is like jail. You sit around all day wasting time, writing on walls and if your not careful you'll get poked.

I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1975

Blowing out another persons candle WILL NOT make yours brighter

Roses are red, violets are blue, but bacon smells better than both of those do.

Duct tape - Turning NO NO NO into hmmph hmmph hmmmph since 1942

It's beginning to COST a lot like Christmas.

4 stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

Virus warning: if you get an email titled "Nancy Pelosi nude" DONT OPEN IT! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi!

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers. So we could identify their corporate sponsors.

If your FB status says "I bet you won't repost this" you are 100% right.

Am I getting older, or has the grocery started playing really cool music?

I went to Lowe's with a bucket of Legos and asked the manager if we could build something together, and he threw me out!

Why is it not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly?

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'

If Jack LaLanne ever comes back as a zombie we are SO screwed.

Current status: Enjoying wine, cheese and crackers. Without the cheese. Or the wine. Or the enjoyment.

Dear Santa: Let's just say mistakes were made...

I just broke my first resolution! Yeah!

Burger King just gets creepier and creepier. I think I shall call it Burger Kink.