Be original or fuck right off

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor.

Do you think two people who are broken could meet and know they had the power to heal each other?

Fuck if I know. Back to the vodka

If I’m too much for you then you’re not enough for me.

Ya ya go ahead. Judge me. Just remember to be perfect the rest of your life.

If I followed my dreams I'd be at a liquor store in Hawaii.

I'd delete my drunken tweets if I could tell them apart from my sober ones.

My grandma thinks I'm a big shot here on the Twizzler.

I wanna be the reason you bang your head against the wall.

Those  http://Match.com  people really know me well, they just matched me up with a beautiful bottle of Grey Goose.

If I haven't said something mildly offensive today I'm sorry and I promise to try harder

I don't remember some of the best years of my life.

Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.

The language of stupidity has no barriers.

Sometimes you just need to sit back, relax, and embrace the fact that someone else will fuck things up for you.

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

I'm 5'3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality....disorder.

If you are laughing at your tweet as you type it and not thinking how everyone else will like it, you are doing it right

I may not be the prettiest girl, the smartest girl, the funniest girl....fuck it, now I'm depressed.

If you're ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she's not hot enough to be that crazy.