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I just had my coffee like I like my women, dribbling off my chin onto my chest. Somehow it's just doesn't compare.
You want over capacity you should check out my colon! "Twitter"
I walked into the bathroom and noticed the toilet tank was sweating. It must have gotten a heads up on what's about to happen.
It's days like today that make me yearn to be vodka logged.
It's not the size of your breasts that matters, it's how my penis reacts when I see them!
I know there is no cure for stupid but has anyone invented a pill to combat the dysfunction? Asking for idiots everywhere.
Is it mandatory that just as you sweet talk the wife into sex one of the kids must wake up crying? Asking for what was once an erection.
I just took a hit from a shopping cart square in the nuts, hurt like the dickens, on the plus side it's the most action I've seen all week!
I've had it up to my nipples with this cold weather.
My farts are like a good chick flick, guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye. Ladies.
If I'm not supposed to judge a book by it's cover & I can't just open your blouse and take a peek then what am I left with.
You came & I cursed you, you came again & I fell for you, just as the ache & pain subsides you come yet again! Ok Snow you win "I SURRENDER"
If I didn't have Tourette's before today I sure as fuckingshithellmotherfuckme do now! #whataday
Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned. I made a poo without including you.
YOU KNOW IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH COFFEE EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A 3-D PICTURE WITHOUT THE GLASSES? WAIT, AM I YELLING? WHY AM I YELLING? *Twitch*
I just choked back a Lumberjack Slam at Denny's®. I need someone with a winch to come and get me out of my seat. Somebody? ANYBODY? PLEASE!
It's so cute to see personalized plates on a car & pink plate shields...Bubba1 must love his car.
No no I love being woken at 5:45am via a kick to the nuts from a 2 year old in glow in the dark skeleton pj's invading my bed. Who wouldn't?
Is there a viagra for the brain because with this onslaught of new followers I'm suffering from performance anxiety? Oh & welcome everyone.
You know you've gotten old when you have to stop mid sex & shake off a leg cramp that you used to be able to just push through in the past.