I put the gin in virgins.

No matter who you try to be, someone will always make fun of you. So just accept who you really are and get the fuck on with your life.

Women, next time you think us men have it easy, remember this one thing:

Our g-spot is located in our ass.

Buried in shit.

What do you call a Mexican child molester?

Pedrophile.

The funniest people can tell you just one thing that makes you laugh, then think, then laugh again.

It's really cute how Ben Stiller thinks he's a totally different character in every movie.

Is that a pocket thesaurus in your pants, or are you just convivial to see me?

If any of my tweets aren't funny, that's just me playing hard-to-star.

You taste like somebody that I used to blow.

Q. What do horses like to sip on at parties?

A. Chardoneiiiigh.

I saw a girl wearing the sluttiest gloves this morning. The fingers were cut off at least an inch above her knuckles. Fucking whore.

There are two kinds of women in the world: the kind that can handle their alcohol, and the kind who wake up next to me.

The word "sexting" sounds so sleazy. Personally, I prefer the term "textual intercourse"

Whenever I feel stupid for losing my car keys in the couch, I just remember how NASA lost all 700 boxes of original Moon-landing tapes.

Fuck meditation. If I wanna clear my mind of all thought I just watch an episode of the Big Bang Theory.

I like a girl who's not afraid to dye her landing strip smurf blue.

Is it just me or are most real life comedians not that funny on Twitter.

All this cocaine is really starting to get on my nerves.

Admittedly, the French language never was my fort.

2012: Love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and work out like you've just been sentenced to do hard prison time.