Neighbour: hi, just move in?
Me: yup
Neighbour: btw, do you keep parrots? I heard one squawking last night...
Me: no, I was singing
#shame

I'd really like to ask the man in front of me what the bottom of his trousers have against his shoes. They should really meet up. #Shame

@regina_kray @itsbarbzbabes I apologise for the use of correct spelling; might make it hard for you to read this.

Me: dad, I threw the football and it hit the fire extinguisher and it sprayed everywhere.
Dad: Jim, we both know you didn't throw a football

I often think boobs must be like puppies; they're a great deal of fun but sometimes you just can't be bothered with them.

#FF a few of my all time favourite tweeps: @1nf1d3lc4str0 @uniformedwhore @enadaffodil @_chicksdigjerks @ladyjazmana

Does anyone know what Cher Lloyd has against music; why is she trying to kill it? #chavalanche #swaggerjagger

@deathinvega the year my dad got sober, gave us both a new lease on life :)

#FF my boyfriend @woody_funkster He'll make you laugh until you piss yourself and then make fun of you for it.

#FF my favourite boys @thedoucheabides @madmerdoc @zebezeba @1nf1d3lc4str0 and @ed_is_sketz

I find Lily Allen absolutely repulsive... Easily one of the worst examples of self-indulgent, egocentric, spoiled behaviour. #growuplily

I would rim a leper for a smoke right now. #oldfavourite

#FF my fabulous ladies @enadaffodil @mrsnickcave @littleharmonica @_chicksdigjerks @bettierae @chesty_laroux @feltrec @flesh_melons

Sometimes I wonder which people I would trip in a zombie apocalypse to get away... Then I delete them from facebook.

I hate when my parents say I've got no self-control, I have some cause if not I'd stay in bed all day eating lucky charms, touching myself.

When people say 'I've never won anything' I always think about conception and how that clearly negates that statement. #winners

@littleharmonica thanks hun. Ps. Not a knob but it makes me giggle! http://yfrog.com/n6n2laj

Don't worry Mrs. Palin, I never pegged you as a diva, just a complete fucking moron.

A sheep in wolfs clothing, sexy and sardonic, for a good time #FF @littleharmonica

I'd box a kangaroo for an iced coffee right about now.