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Neighbour: hi, just move in?
Neighbour: btw, do you keep parrots? I heard one squawking last night...
Me: no, I was singing
I'd really like to ask the man in front of me what the bottom of his trousers have against his shoes. They should really meet up. #Shame
Me: dad, I threw the football and it hit the fire extinguisher and it sprayed everywhere.
Dad: Jim, we both know you didn't throw a football
I often think boobs must be like puppies; they're a great deal of fun but sometimes you just can't be bothered with them.
Does anyone know what Cher Lloyd has against music; why is she trying to kill it? #chavalanche #swaggerjagger
I find Lily Allen absolutely repulsive... Easily one of the worst examples of self-indulgent, egocentric, spoiled behaviour. #growuplily
I would rim a leper for a smoke right now. #oldfavourite
Sometimes I wonder which people I would trip in a zombie apocalypse to get away... Then I delete them from facebook.
I hate when my parents say I've got no self-control, I have some cause if not I'd stay in bed all day eating lucky charms, touching myself.
When people say 'I've never won anything' I always think about conception and how that clearly negates that statement. #winners
Don't worry Mrs. Palin, I never pegged you as a diva, just a complete fucking moron.
I'd box a kangaroo for an iced coffee right about now.