Went to a gang fight this morning and some shopping broke out

this coupon is telling me to go to a website and print a coupon

Getting a foot up your ass is one of the hazards of being a sock puppet

Halloween was a success ~ 2 kids peed themselves and 5 ran away crying ...Related:... I don't have to buy toilet paper next month

just finished reading 2 hours worth of tweets ~ i need a bath

I've found that by saying "aw fuck you" at the beginning of the argument, it saves time.

Women are from Venus. Men are from the planet of the apes.

This tweet was once used by Macgyver to save the world

when I say "word to the wise", I really mean "word to the dumbass"

Which one of you wise guys put "shave your legs" in my fortune cookie?

In a perfect world, people would smile and wait patiently in line for their chance to kiss my ass

I have a confession... Several, if not all of my previous tweets were pulled directly from my ass

yes, farts are funny...but the "who farted" look on the faces of people in the elevator is priceless

*passes by mirror, pauses, plays a game of patty-cake....moves on*

If i ripped the power cord from my alarm clock's ass and crammed it in it's little LED face, would you think I was a violent person?

Laughing and giving out stars takes hours out of my day ~ Thank God I'm getting paid for it

#isitjustmeorarethehashtagsgettinglongerandlonger?

i lost an hour somewhere last night *looks under the couch cushions*

At some point, a tweet will be created that will be so powerful, the laws of physics will not apply to it.

If I ever find out who wrote my phone # on the mens bathroom wall at the gas station, I'll thank them