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America: where obesity is genetics, but homosexuality is a choice
A woman gets pregnant & people ask to rub her stomach. Thats bullshit I have millions of unborn kids in my balls and no one asks to rub them
It becomes a relationship the minute you have sober sex.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
WalMart: because Target requires a shower.
Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife's clothes.
Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
My favorite position is the one where my penis is in a vagina.
Women would be shocked if they knew how much drinks at a bar cost.
Has Twitter sent out W2's yet?
If you are on a plane and you see your friend jack don't yell out "Hi Jack!"
When I see that some of you have more stars on a single tweet then I have followers, I die a little inside.
If she smokes she pokes but if she tweets you can probably get her to try anal.
So a baby seal walks into a club.
To the black guys who love dating obese white women I only have 2 words for you. Thank You!
Being a gentleman means always buying the Plan B.
I find it amazing that cum, pussy, dick and fucking are never trending, that is all any of the people I follow talk about.
Girl said I was average, but she was just being mean.
"I wish women would stop using me for sex" - no guy ever.
im·bro·glio noun An extremely confused, complicated, or embarrassing situation. Blocked by @amyschumer @amandabynes @chambleebrandel