America: where obesity is genetics, but homosexuality is a choice

A woman gets pregnant & people ask to rub her stomach. Thats bullshit I have millions of unborn kids in my balls and no one asks to rub them

It becomes a relationship the minute you have sober sex.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

WalMart: because Target requires a shower.

Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife's clothes.

Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.

My favorite position is the one where my penis is in a vagina.

Has Twitter sent out W2's yet?

If you are on a plane and you see your friend jack don't yell out "Hi Jack!"

When I see that some of you have more stars on a single tweet then I have followers, I die a little inside.

If she smokes she pokes but if she tweets you can probably get her to try anal.

So a baby seal walks into a club.

Being a gentleman means always buying the Plan B.

To the black guys who love dating obese white women I only have 2 words for you. Thank You!

I find it amazing that cum, pussy, dick and fucking are never trending, that is all any of the people I follow talk about.

Women would be shocked if they knew how much drinks at a bar cost.

"I wish women would stop using me for sex" - no guy ever.

Girl said I was average, but she was just being mean.