Guys I just saw Danny Glover throwing tootsie rolls at pigeons.

I dont always write but when I do I try to find as many fucking distractions as one person could possibly find because my will power is weak

Ladies, if a guy gives you a heads up during a bj before he cums, he likes you alot.

If you don't fantasize about slapping an unruly child in Walmart you are not doing your part for America

I'm active on twitter tonight cause I have shit that needs to get done.

#FF these legends @nerdgirlcomedy @moodyfries @ixseanxi @writingnewman @jeremyinkc @camjcollins @raytothecon @_nardster @thedumbprincess

Hey @buddyroemer the CNNN slogan would be "we are going to #rockyoulikeahermancain"

As each day goes on I realize that when I get a chance to quit my day job to pursue my dreams it can only end with me holding hostages

I aint no follow back girl--Gwen Stefani on twitter

Just ordered an authentic captains hat online. Ladies, you may want to go ahead and change your panties.

Girls, yoga pants are always welcome.

Hey college kid who is anti-capitalism, throw away your iPad and shut the fuck up.

Don't quote the bible on facebook if you go out and blow random guys at the bar. #Tyler'sTips

"I'm going to water board that ass tonight"-CIA agent pickup line

#ThingsMyBestFriendsSay you can't masturbate in my shower

Justin Bieber is basically a strap on come to life.

Hey follow @keepinitsnazzy @strongasmeat @atticuswardle @nerdgirlcomedy @_ogmd @drgmlatulippe and other people I retweet you monkeys

I just mixed diet Pepsi and diet coke and now I'm a middle aged white woman working in a cubicle.

When I masturbate the tissues are for my tears...

I bet ryan gosling smells amazing