My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

"Is my butt is too big?" my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.

I haven't exaggerated in over 370 years.

When aliens come to destroy the Earth, they'll be happy we did all the work already.

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

Everyone's secret OCD comes out when placing the groceries on the conveyor belt at the supermarket.

It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I'm on your porch. Can I come in?

Life gets easier once you realize life's not getting any easier.

When she cooks, I like to walk up behind her in the kitchen, stroke her hair and whisper in her ear "Let's order a pizza."

I don't do sexist jokes, because bitches have no sense of humor.

Of course I respect you, you stupid bitch.

If my calculations are correct, in a few years I'll still be doing nothing with my life.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling "He doesn't even buy bread."

I wish these people who claim I'm "disconnected from reality" would just get off my spaceship.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ladies, please. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.