Brokeback minivan.

Yesterday Charles Barkley said he played with gay guys so that was helpful.

Twitter: Where the people who nobody listens to, are heard

Yes Pandora, the answer is always yes. I'm still fucking listening.

Damn, tweet format, are you Mick Jagger? 'Cause you should've been dead a long time ago.

A new Mean Girls movie where Lindsay gets thrown in jail and dry humped day and night by a butch named Lion. Lohan says "I love it".

Wait.. This isn't Sparta? Oh, well.

Oh, my tweet offended you? Good.

Yes, draft tweet: I'm ignoring you. You're not funny & I'm not drunk enough to think you are. One day my judgment will lapse. Hang in there.

My O-face and I-don't-get-it face are the same.

Thanks for your help, robot lady. However, I just pulled up at my destination & you’ve told me to get out of the car & walk twice already.

If you trace the path I just took through the parking lot, it spells out "wherethefuckismycar?" in cursive.

Just finished Beauty and the Beast.

It would suck to be the servant that turned into a plunger.

I bet the Beast always clogged the toilet.

the best defense is being an asshole.

The first baby-back rib gets eaten with a fork and knife. The next 11 are hand-fruit.

Of course the music to Enter the Dragon is better. That's like comparing apples and god.

It's so cute how you guys crush on me without having any fucking idea of the level of crazy you are dealing with.

xox

Probably the last thing I would do at work before I was fired would be to access my Twitter account from my work computer.

Pregnancy test that says, "Your cart has 1 item in it"

I don’t have any sorrows so I’ll drink yours away.