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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I told my gf she looked good today, so she said "Didn't I look good all the other days?" And that's the last thing I remember, officer.
I don't mind making love to you, but can we fuck afterwards?
I wish mistakes would learn from me for once.
Good Cholesterol/Bad Cholesterol is just a trick cholesterol uses to get a confession out of you.
My girlfriend asked me to show her how to use Twitter, so I sat with her for two hours explaining what she can never ask me.
If God was smart, He would have created the world in one day and rested for six days.
I'm moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box "Thoughts."
Naming my first cookbook "I Should Have Ordered Pizza".
Sometimes, to save time, I make myself a sandwich and flush it down the toilet.
The only thing I want to do before I die is to live.
Today I celebrate my third anniversary of celebrating meaningless anniversaries.
Why do we bother to sleep when we go to bed tired and wake up even more tired?
I wonder if bras go sometimes to support groups.
Men think about sex every six boobs.
Remember, any time you need a friend to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I'm not your guy.
Have you ever noticed that you never see hard work and money in the same place at the same time?
Me: Something's wrong with these mashed potatoes you made. Her: It's rice!
My girlfriend gave me her sore throat, but it went straight to my ears.
I wish I had the ability to read my own mind. https://soundcloud.com/dudisharon