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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I wonder what cigarettes do when they're nervous.
People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.
Nothing prevents me from making money more than my job.
I have a weakness for people who are stronger than me.
Yuck. This shit tastes like instant coffee.
That's life. One day you're at the bottom, and the next day you delusionally believe you're on top.
I don't know why people think my husband is gay.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I was a jerk.
Of course I remember how to have sex, it's just like not riding a bike.
There isn't a single room in my house I haven't imagined myself having sex in.
Cop: Been drinking? Me: Yes. One beer an hour ago. Cop: How do you know it's been an hour? Me: That's how long it took me to bury the body.
Fine. You're right, I'm wrong. Can we have sex now?
It's my party and I'll invite imaginary friends if I want to.
Last night my girlfriend and I watched the romantic comedy "Wake Me Up When It's Over."
Amazing how much you can't accomplish when you do nothing.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks. Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you. Her: Asshole! I wasn't wearing this!
I'm the man in this house and I'll cry if I want to!
I wish I had the ability to read my own mind. https://soundcloud.com/dudisharon