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There's nothing worse than a spider with OCD.
I don't take things personally if they don't belong to me.
When I want to wash the house, I leave the shower curtain open.
-I'm here for the apartment.
-Lovely. How much?
-$900 a month
-When is it available?
-It's not. I'm showing it to get compliments.
It's ironic that the government decides when you celebrate Independence Day.
I've reached the end of Twitter. There's nothing here but dead bodies.
All these guys who think I'm gay because I don't like football can blow me.
If someone's bothering you, smile. It won't make you feel any better, but they'll think you just figured out a way to kill them.
This day can't get any better. It's trying, but it just can't.
God's greatest prank was giving us the best years of our lives when we're too young to know what to do with them.
Not to brag, but I can keep sleeping even after I wake up.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I told my gf she looked good today, so she said "Didn't I look good all the other days?" And that's the last thing I remember, officer.
I don't mind making love to you, but can we fuck afterwards?
I wish mistakes would learn from me for once.
Good Cholesterol/Bad Cholesterol is just a trick cholesterol uses to get a confession out of you.
My girlfriend asked me to show her how to use Twitter, so I sat with her for two hours explaining what she can never ask me.
If God was smart, He would have created the world in one day and rested for six days.
I'm moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box "Thoughts."
Naming my first cookbook "I Should Have Ordered Pizza".
I wish I had the ability to read my own mind. https://t.co/guwS46Cq3m