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You know it’s a good relationship when after sex, instead of spooning, you high five.
You can tell a lot about a person by checking his social security number.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
If this tweet gets 1000 likes, I'll explain the concept of manipulation.
Does anyone have a good recipe for lasagna? I want to give it to the owner of this restaurant where I just ate lasagna.
My OCD is so bad that when I undress women with my eyes, I have to sit down and fold their clothes.
- Honey, what's the thing called that I don't have?
- A vocabulary, dear.
Just made a deal with my alarm clock. I agree not to set it at night and it agrees not to wake me up in the morning.
A good relationship is when there's an equality between the man and Her Majesty.
I feel sorry for our cat. He probably thinks his name is "NOOOO, YOU IDIOT!"
It would be nice if exes were like socks and disappeared when you did laundry.
- Hello, my name is Ben and I'm a narcissist.
- We love you Ben.
- Of course you do.
- You smell good, what is it?
- I ate a burrito.
True love is when you try to sleep as little as possible just so you have more time to spend awake with her.
I would wear a smile but it doesn't fit anymore because I ate too much reality.
Love is much better when the other person knows you exist.
Anyway, to make a long story short, now everyone thinks I like to shorten stories.
I want us to grow old together, but not in the same house.
A few years ago I got bitten by a radioactive Sloth and now I'm super tired.
- What do we want?
- To hear better!
- When do we want it?
- To hear better!
I wish I had the ability to read my own mind. https://soundcloud.com/dudisharon
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