Imagine if all 800 Facebook friends you invited came to your shitty house party. Wouldn't you feel stupid.

Drinking water out of the faucet with just your mouth is like the hungover-kegstand.

If dinner was over $100, there's a mandatory blowjob on the way home.

Dog fighting would be so much cooler if the dogs had to wear Pokemon costumes.

Whoever changed my default search engine to Yahoo... sick fucking joke man.

I like hanging out with different people each day so I can wear the same outfit for 3 days straight.

Why do porn websites have Facebook and Twitter 'share' buttons? "Yo bros I just found this awesome site man, I'm even typing with one hand!"

Only dicks wear condoms

If a guy and a girl both have lip rings, how hard is it for the guy to make out with his boyfriend later?

My friend went to go get a deck of UNO cards but said she could only find the Spanish version.

'Pots' conservative father still calls 'Kettle' the n-word.

I want to be a mailman when I grow up! - No one

Just looking for someone who likes sitting on the couch as much as me.

You know its Halloween when everyone changes their Facebook profile picture to them in their shitty costume.

If you don't have anything nice to say, at least make it funny.

I have a half bottle of Jameson and a 24 pack of beer infront of me and I'm not moving until the cops come.

When something good happens to Catholics they're touched by an Angel... when something bad happens they're touched by Angelo.

Watching my friends work on their cars and realizing how much of a man i'm not.

Every kid who went to summer camps at Penn State learned how important defense is, and how to be a receiver.

Facebook Tip: If a hot girl has only one profile picture... She is a really nerdy, messed up in the head guy.