Everyone's milking this one #cow

Gonna start a new company called "Secret Service", and the first promo will be a free trip home after getting laid.

My Doctor is my friend. With benefits. Like insurance.

These folks are driving me crazy with the favs! --> @saraespivey, @twistedbanana, @annoyedworld
TY! TY! TY (one for each)!

There's something going wrong around here.

Pretty sure I just won an iPad for filling out a survey.

[Process completed]

The more obnoxious kiddos get the sharper toys from Santa this year. Hope the corn child likes the ice pick.

The Pope is quitting so he can go into the soap & rope business. #CorporateTakeover

Lookin' for the Rolls-Royce version of Grey Poupon in the plastic bottle.

I need some scotch tape, pronto.

That's it. I'm taking this underwear back for a refund.

@cool_jesse ty :)

@christopher9821 or toothpaste... especially after the lube.

Dick in a box #BestSongToHaveSexTo

Theme song from Mr. Ed. Because a horse is a horse of course. #BestSongToHaveSexTo

Pope Francis must be pretty hip to give Pope Benedict an icon of Madonna.

Twitter gives me Stockholm Syndrome.

The Best Buy guy called me "Boss" today. Not sure if it was just cause "fuck yeah" or the new mullet.

@chimp_chump knife set