"Eureka! I've invented half of the binocular!" -Galileo

The most difficult Yoga position is "The Nearsighted Yak". Place each hand on a thigh, and crawl under your own eyelid.

Things to name your quiff: "Quentin Quiff", "Quiff the magic dragon", "Steve".

The iPhone is the most expensive mirror I've ever bought.

My armpits are crying because the heat reminds them of a sad desert movie.

Only the wisdom of Deepak Chopra can solve the problem of people thinking clearly.

Reach up and squeeze the sun to create a tasty glass of day-juice.

I'm not making air quotes with my hands. These are two bunnies, Jeff & Constable who appear when I quote things.

A banana bruise is a shadow from another dimension.

Today I learned you cannot un-eat a pigeon.

My favourite Transformer was Vaginar.

I liked his hair.

Remind me: what was Friar Tuck's superpower? I'm bad at literature.

I bet Batman hated those comic book sound effects when he was masturbating: KABOOINGG! POWIE!

"Master Bruce, are you alright in there?"

To become a Debonair, you must have at least 1 million Debbie's.

Wise man say: he who sweats gold, can retire after sauna.

I don't masturbate since that time a Genie came out of my penis.

When someone makes air quotes, signify your approval by doing an air full stop. Poke them in the eye.

No one talks about the hidden dangers of Cannabis, like accidentally drinking the bong.

A cemetery plot for expired condiments: "Here lies Mustard, best before Jan 2009"

Lady Condom, heiress to the Durex Dynasty.