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"Tigga, PLEASE." —Winnie the Pooh trying to be all gangsta
Clerk: I just need your year of birth.
Me: No, 2076. WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR?!
Whenever I fumble the soap in the shower but catch it, I imagine a bunch of prisoners standing around going "Awwwwww."
I just sneezed all over a coworker's chips. Then I was like "enjoy your snot-chos!" I'm awesome!
I'm an idiot.
To the girl I just saw picking her nose in her car: I love you. I bet you wouldn't be shy about shitting in front of me either. MARRY ME.
I want a Twitter app that shines a bright spotlight on whoever's about to unfollow me and says "GOING SOMEWHERE??"
Sometimes when I look at your cleavage avi, I like to pretend it's your ass crack and you're at Walmart.
How come pro soccer players get all the chicks? So what if they make mad $$ & have sexy accents & muscular physiques & why is my dick hard …
If you pee in a girl's butt, urine asshole.
My morning power dump sounded like Bobcat Goldthwait vomiting through a kazoo.
"Pilgrim! How's about givin' me one-a them pomegranate raspberry martinis?"
—John Wayne, never
"I'm having a ball!"
—a cannibal who is eating Lance Armstrong
I put the "penis" in "just about everything".
I wanna open a Vietnamese restaurant & call it VietNOMNOMNOM. Huh? Huh?
Has anybody ever called morning wood "slumber lumber"? No? Oh, well, then, excuse me while I just WIN THE WHOLE FREAKING INTERNET
♫ Oh baybee yooouu, you got a diseeeeease … and you say it's just a rash, but it's halfway up your ass ♪
Aren't they like, middle-aged mutant ninja turtles by now?
Fuck you, other side of the pillow. You just think you're so damn cool.