"Tigga, PLEASE." —Winnie the Pooh trying to be all gangsta

Clerk: I just need your year of birth.
Me: '76.
Clerk: 1976?
Me: No, 2076. WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR?!

Whenever I fumble the soap in the shower but catch it, I imagine a bunch of prisoners standing around going "Awwwwww."

I just sneezed all over a coworker's chips. Then I was like "enjoy your snot-chos!" I'm awesome!

I'm an idiot.

To the girl I just saw picking her nose in her car: I love you. I bet you wouldn't be shy about shitting in front of me either. MARRY ME.

I want a Twitter app that shines a bright spotlight on whoever's about to unfollow me and says "GOING SOMEWHERE??"

Sometimes when I look at your cleavage avi, I like to pretend it's your ass crack and you're at Walmart.

How come pro soccer players get all the chicks? So what if they make mad $$ & have sexy accents & muscular physiques & why is my dick hard …

If you pee in a girl's butt, urine asshole.

My morning power dump sounded like Bobcat Goldthwait vomiting through a kazoo.

"Pilgrim! How's about givin' me one-a them pomegranate raspberry martinis?"
—John Wayne, never

I put the "penis" in "just about everything".

"I'm having a ball!"
—a cannibal who is eating Lance Armstrong

I wanna open a Vietnamese restaurant & call it VietNOMNOMNOM. Huh? Huh?

Has anybody ever called morning wood "slumber lumber"? No? Oh, well, then, excuse me while I just WIN THE WHOLE FREAKING INTERNET

♫ Oh baybee yooouu, you got a diseeeeease … and you say it's just a rash, but it's halfway up your ass ♪

Aren't they like, middle-aged mutant ninja turtles by now?

Fuck you, other side of the pillow. You just think you're so damn cool.

Why "butt dial" and "booty call" don't mean the same thing, I dunno what the fuck.