Contemplating whether or not I should be the one to tell this 3-year old ginger girl that she has no soul.

I love how I just shaved my legs as if I have some place to be.

Winky faces make everything sexual. Example: melt the cheese ;)

Just thought of the greatest thing ever: portable cans of mace in a Virgin Mary-looking bottle named 'Hail Mary Full Of Mace'.

I know my Twitter makes me seem like I'm a terrible person, but that's only because I am a terrible person.

Am I the only one who questions the sexuality of the guys on the Shakeweight commercial?

I really just want to to put Michael Cera in a clear glass jar and pet him every single day of my freakin' life.

How much does a hipster weigh? An INSTAGRAM!

I'm not the only one who runs around their house yelling 'PRAAISSE ALLAH!' with a towel on my head after showers, right?

'Touch her boobs. Really, they feel awesome.' I'm so glad my boyfriend advertises me in such ways.

Disappointed in me? Don't worry I am too.

Other than the whole verbal and physical abuse thing, I'm totally the best girlfriend ever.

Having a nude bookclub meeting by myself and I am perfectly content :)

I should have known it was all headed downhill from the moment I sent that winkie face.

Gonna see if I can get to 2nd base with this attractive lady who tweeted me about a free iPad 3. Wish me luck.

I always knew you'd turn out to be a slut.

Does the state of California give out Cannabis cards for mental disorders? Asking for an imaginary friend.

Am I the only one who wishes that all of those TeenQuote twitter accounts were the ones committing Twittercide instead?

Those women in Africa may be dying of malaria and have crrappy water but they don't have to wear bras so who's the lucky ones now?

Today a guy asked me for my number and if I have a Facebook. Pretty sure he wants to bang me.