If I had a vagina, I would take all of your money.

I was scared. I cried a little. My butt cheeks tightened,.....then, Twitter came back.

The dog is licking his balls. I wish I could do that, but, I bet he would bite me.

I hate that my ex wife has seen me naked.

I bet blind people have cheap electric bills.

I love to fart around strangers and then look at them like I'm disgusted by them.

I'm thinking about sneaking my testicles out of her purse while she sleeps tonight. Wish me luck.

You can't convince me that a chicken has a vagina.

If you're thinking about explaining @favstar to your significant other and they aren't on Twitter, kill yourself instead.

"There's a pap for that." Cheesy gynecologist trying to be funny.

I had morning sex. That trumps your egg mcmuffin.

I didn't touch myself today and it's almost midnight. Can I get a star?

I still think I would make a cool black dude.

The older I get, the easier it is to shake my penis at people and not feel bad about it.

We chase pussy, then we die.

She just asked me if a Phillips screw driver was the flat one or the spirally one. Thank God she has a vagina.

Sometimes when I get a boner I get so excited, I forget to eat.

Masturbating with hand sanitizer seemed like a good idea until I got a little in my peehole.

Dear lady with six stick figure children on your van. I get it. You let your husband fuck you a lot.

Well if I'm going to the doctor anyway; I may as well get a finger in the ass.