"Pardon my French." --a bad kisser

Some astronaut humor as Neil Armstrong's final day draws to a close, served up by the hilarious @danajgould: http://t.co/n0vjHTBl

"This is your thane on drugs" #MedievalPublicServiceAnnouncements

I love Grand Theft Auto because you can steal a car, get a hooker, kill a shitload of cops, and then unwind by playing some Grand Theft Auto

Every strip of bacon that you turn down by saying "I'm a vegetarian" takes 9 minutes off of your social life.

Been working hard on my Travel Channel spinoff, "Man v Booze." It hasn't aired yet. Or been pitched. (I just have a drinking problem.)

@williamtracy upper, upper, downer, downer, downer, ℞, left

I try not to make any sweeping generalizations because the people that do always tend to be real assholes.

#FF Nick "Sugar Father" Caron ( @nickcaron )

Four Highly Effective Responses to Terrorism by Wes Alwan  http://www.partiallyexaminedlife.com/2013/04/15/four-highly-effective-responses-to-terrorism/ … via @@partiallyexlife

Sexus? Sexo? Sexorum? (How did the Romans even have time to get laid?) RT @dani_barks: "Let's write that out in Latin, cause it'll be sexy."

Toothpick Trick #magic  http://vine.co/v/bdqVn3ZBWB6 

My porn name is Fish McBites.

Pretty sure I spend more time browsing Netflix than I do watching anything on it.

Hey did you know that if you fold up a 20 dollar bill like *this* it looks remarkably like I'm an interesting person for a few seconds?

Today's life lesson: when you have facial hair, there is NO good way to eat a bagel with cream cheese.

.@robdelaney's pick-up lines. RT @harvard_press: What comes to mind when you think about the word "nuclear"? http://t.co/aCbgNlT1