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Ben Carson seems like the kind of guy who would feed a toucan Fruit Loops cause he saw it on the TV.
One thing El Chapo can't escape from is our hearts.
The greatest hot dog eating contest is the one with yourself.
Everything was so Raven and nothing hurt.
If you're not mad you're not paying attention or you're just super chill.
Sat in ricotta.
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let's do it, let's embrace an endless routine.
*puts on a Hold Steady song for a teen*
"This is a a very loud podcast!"
This is the worst Jimmy John's customer appreciation day ever.
I could be standing next to Calvin Harris in an Arby's and I'd have no idea.
I'll like a pic of you and your mom on Instagram, I don't give a fuck.
I like my air like I like my hair, conditioned.
I never signed off on living in Christopher Nolan's gritty reboot of America.
We're all drunk with powerlessness.
Writer for @comedycentral. Snapchat: thetimduffy. email@example.com
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