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She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, she's cheer captain and I'm a 30 year old man who has no business at this high school.
That band in heaven everyone's always talking about were just told they suck by Lou Reed.
We're all drunk with powerlessness.
Just Googled Aaron Neville, very unfortunate looking woman.
Brooklyn 99 and 12 Years a Slave are equals.
Having trouble focusing because I watched a man use a key as a Q-tip on the subway today.
WebMD has no information on how to remove your heart from your throat after an icon dies. I already checked, everyone.
The most far fetched thing about RoboCop is a he's a cop without a mustache.
Replace all your "Skateboarding Is Not a Crime" stickers with "Clowning Is Not a Crime" stickers.
Tomorrow night I'm in New Orleans and I'm opening for @thecolinjost and we're all gonna have a great time! http://www.civicnola.com/event/533933-colin-jost-new-orleans/ …
According to Facebook a kid I knew in high school is tragically now just a BMW logo.
Bill Cosby was a dad. Bill Murray was a Ghostbuster. Robin Williams was the first guy I understood to be a comedian.
A cartoon pig. comic/writer/Midevenings/fot/straphanger email@example.com