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Voted most likely to alienate people with the wrong amount of enthusiasm!
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When I was a kid they all told me I could be anything I want when I grow up but no one mentioned that my face would get fat in my late 20s.
In my frat instead of keg stands we did Greg stands (took turns topping on brother Greg). It led to fights b/c we all wanted to marry him
A guy from my hometown just updated his Facebook status with "Hmmm pizza sounds good tonight" and it was so honest and pure I teared up.
Got my denim shirt, beard, glasses, slim figure. Gonna go to the bars tonight, meet two dozen other me's, form a MegaZord with a jello spine
@chosenberg @allisonfields @kravejerky if this jerky is good, it's pretty much the new sponsor of LA comedy.
@nickwiger this tweet is funny, Nick, but "Waluigi" is a play on the Japanese adjective "warui" which means "bad" - more clever in Japanese.
Just had two different plans for the day fall through and I've never felt so good
Please spare me a conversation with my batshit neighbour and solve this riddle for me. pic.twitter.com/ILZLmGKO0g
Do I go to the party on Sunday that has a keg or the one with 19lbs of tri tip
What you have to understand about Jerry Lewis is that Rita Rudner killed his father.
I write and do stuff at UCB and contribute to The Onion and work on shows like Childrens Hospital and NTSF:SD:SUV:: and am a huge idiot.
