Actual sluts never know what to be for Halloween.

I went to high school with so many losers, and by losers, I mean people with real jobs, families, and health insurance.

This debate is making my body shut down like a woman who is being legitimately raped. #debate #romney

I was informed this morning that the 'Lost and Found' box in my bedroom is a turn-off.

Nothing says this this party is going to kick ass like having to fill out nametags when you show up...

Under a microscope, Romney's 5 step plan includes step 4(b) which re-institutes slavery in 17 states. #debate

I'm clearly getting some tonight...she's wearing her 'fuck me' pajama jeans. Side note: I need to stop dating lazy housewives.

Trying to figure out where to add 'able to draw a penis using 134 characters on twitter' to the education section of my resume.

Watching my parents attempt to figure out my Ipad 2 was like watching a neanderthal discover fire.

Florida is New Jersey with Swamps. That is all.

Still learning the difference between sex positions and 80s pro-wrestling finishing holds.

"Kelly and Michelle, can you help me sing this one? Your microphones aren't on, but just try your best." #beyonce #superbowl47 #destiny

I don't think it's irrational to compare the prices of dating sites to porn sites when making decisions about my social life.

Not even LeHigh players had LeHigh picked in their brackets.

I just wished the Pope was on Favstar so that I could give him trophies for his witty anti-semetic tweets.

Children: The worst STD.

"Worst case scenario, I can just buy my own replica White House in Sweden." -Mitt Romney

Right now DOZENS of SNL writers are working tirelessly to make this debate significantly less funny than it is on Saturday Night. #debate

Go get it while it's free today you cheap bastards: Fifty Shades of Romney http://t.co/lAJYCS8H

I'll be tied up at the Supermarket for the next few hours as I take a bite out of EVERY apple in the store as a tribute to Steve Jobs.