I heard Angelina Jolie is having her ass removed... I think she's just fucking with us now.

Imagine how effective those people who inspire others with "Words of the Day," could be if they were smart enough to form entire sentences

Reading is for suckers.

#FF @barackobama or @jesuschrist today guys... but not both. I've been told by the media that you must make a choice. Which shall it be?

If I worked out every time one of my fat friends lied about working out, I'd be the healthiest man on the planet.

I like all the Austin-based Republicans who were tweeting policy things @barackobama today who were ignored. #hedoesntcarewhatyouhavetosay

To save time, The headers of couch listings on Craigslist should clarify whether or not it looks like someone was raped on them. #shopping

Does anyone else feel like the 10 minute version of 'Disco Inferno' is a bit of an overkill, or is that just me?

@tsickles321 They are one in the same. It's an ADHD world.

Today's home office is at... well... home. Here's what Central command looks like. #home #office…  http://instagram.com/p/Y0DYYWpyCI/ 

7 women tonight, so chances of crazy are condensed. #livetweetspeeddating

I'm going to buy a couple of marathon medals on Ebay today so that I can impress the healthier ladies. #logic #worksmarternotharder

RIP George Jones, who I honestly thought was 1000 years old and was never capable of passing away.

I thought a "cunt punt" was what Lucy did to Charlie Brown with that whole football gag. I stand corrected. Thank you Rebecca Martinson.

I'm not saying we're near the end of the world; I'm just saying that Kreayshawn has hundreds of millions of views on Youtube.

Let's call it, "That Day I Found Out Teen Mom Farrah Had Her Kid at Porno Negotiations Day" instead of #Earthday . It's just more exciting.

Tomorrow's Earth Day! is what I yelled to justify myself to the people who watched me take a dump outside downtown this afternoon. #ibs

I answered a question about #Moms on @klout. Go learn about why I'm an expert.
 http://klout.com/user/TimRunsHisMouth/answer/156441?n=tw&v=first-person-experts-response-share&i=1222615 …

I got serious and bothered. Allen West: Capitalizing on Boston's Tragedy?  http://huff.to/17oVg81  via @huffpostpol

My life is drama free right now... it's rather uncomfortable.