Overheard: "Implants are cheaper than school."

There's no one more miserable than a creative person not creating.

Evidently, my sandwich artist is going through his lettuce period.

Finished is better than perfect.

Me: Up for some pork sausage?

Her: How about just the pork?

We laugh. Then sigh, knowing that joke isn't leading anywhere..

There's entirely too much porn on the Internet.

It can be overwhelming at times.

Too many herbs effd up my omelet. If I could turn back thyme...

They should make a low voltage taser for kids.

I hate hurting people's feelings so I pretend they don't have feelings and do whatever I want.

Hating all women is misogynistic. Hating all women except one is romantic.

"Hey asshole, my eyes are up here."

Actually honey, I wasn't looking at your boobs. I was looking for your boobs.

Americans shake hands, the Japanese bow. I'd love to visit a culture where a boob honk is the customary greeting.

One star tweets are code for, "Delete me when no one is looking."

You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. Unless you're Sizzler. Then you play up early bird specials and a family friendly atmosphere.

It's just adorable when she says, "Promise you'll untie me if I get scared?"

Time makes every man a stranger to himself.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and praying they never use it.

Tonight in Seattle. pic.twitter.com/X12FEL0lb2

I'm sorry Luke, I'm not actually your father. I was trying to be funny, but then I felt bad when you actually believed me. Bygones?

Relationship progression:

1. Flirting and laughing.
2. Light touching.
3. She confesses some dark shit.
4. I feel awkward.

Aaaaand repeat.