"With all due respect" is a much nicer way of saying "Listen here you fucking moron."

I'm so gangster, I don't even report to Apple when Safari unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.

Some things are better said screamed into a pillow.

Clumsy people be trippin'

What do we want?
A cure for tourettes!

When do we want it?


CUNT!!

My iPhone just made this strange noise and there was a voice coming from it. It kept saying hello hello...
What is this strange voodoo?

Damn, the older I get, the longer it takes to get over a good weekend. Still worth it.

When you see a woman smiling quietly to herself, that's when the craziest of shit is running through her head.

If my dog could talk, he'd say, "Dude, you're fucking high." If my cat could talk, he'd say, "Dude, you don't have a fucking dog."

To clear up any spelling confusion: A dike is what the little Dutch boy put his finger into. A dyke is the lady that wouldn't let him.

"With all due respect" is a much nicer way of saying "Listen here you fucking moron."

On this journey of life, I chose the psycho path.

How many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
Hahaha
Okay, I'm leaving

Saying "agree to disagree" really means "I'm right but you're being an asshole & I'm sick of trying to reason with you."

I was going to give you a dirty look, but I see you already have one.

I'm not what anyone would consider handsome, but I can lick the beaters clean while the mixer is still running.

I fucked a fat girl in an elevator last week. It was wrong on soooo many levels.

They should rename "Hoarders" - "GET OFF YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS AND CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE YOU FILTHY PIG"!

You know that awkward moment when you're sexting, and auto correct changes Mmmm to Mom... Yea, that.

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also out of weed.