I'm the only person under 50 on this bus. So much for the 10 foot high club.

Dear everyone, please don't suck. Thanks, Tim.

The first rule of the bachelor party is "You do not talk about the bachelor party." The second rule is: whiskey.

The problem with taking a nap is... Absolutely nothing.

I may be a third wheel but at least I'm the front wheel that steers us towards fun.

I've reach a point in my life when owning trendy flatware is not only something I've actually thought about but something I desire.

I invited a girl over AND actually cooked for her last night. AND I made her food, not beer. AND it didn't suck. AND i'm not making this up.

"I'm trying to follow these directions but they're not working." "OK, do you have them in front of you?" "No, I can't find them." Really?

I still type "l8" "l8r" and sometimes "l8rs" and I'm totally cool with that.

New Camero just parked out side the office. Looks sweet but its total bullshit that is doesn't transform in to a beer vending machine.

So what if I'm eating oatmeal with a fork.

Woman in a "Smart Car" almost just hit me. Couldn't resist; Rolled down the window and shouted, "THAT WASN'T VERY SMART!" She didn't get it.

My computer now responds to "Jarvis, music" by opening my "all" playlist and playing with shuffle on. Queue nerdgasm.

BB to the mo-fuckin' C.

The dryers at the laundromat recommend checking for children in dryer, prior to loading your clothes. I neglected to take that step.

"You are the reason I don't join unsecured wireless networks."

My new nickname is apparently "best date ever" and a guy just told me "i'm wet for you even though I don't have a vagina." Really.

"I would appreciate you sooooooo much more if you'd shut the fuck up when you're talking to me."

OH: She must delete the shit out of shit.

I just threw someone under the special ed. bus.