I hate how girls always send cryptic messages like "Please stop calling me". What does that even mean?!?

I better call to ask.

When people ask "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" just reply with "Space" then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

When I lose followers, I think "Oh, No! I didn't adequately entertain some complete strangers for free!" Then I punch an endangered species.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

Sex would be more fun if vaginas were like piñatas & candy fell out after instead of those baby things.

I wrote a book called "How to pick up girls." Page 1 says "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging.

I have a "thing" for girls.




It's huge. ;)




I call it anxiety. :(

I'm not a Rocket Scientist because I can't:

1) Count.
5) Differentiate numbers from letters.
W) Tell directions.
17) All of the below.

I wish I was a tree so squirrels would run all over me & tickle me with their little feet & be my friends & love me & great, now I'm crying.

Me: So, what are you wearing?
Her: What?
Me: What are you wearing?
Her: You're standing right in front of me?

Flirting is hard. :'(

"OK, so it's agreed, we'll call this day Wendsday. Does anyone have anything else? Yes, Richard?"

"Let's spell it fucked up"

It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

CSI: Canada. "We found a dead body, eh" "Ya? Cause of death?!?" "Just really old" "Oh, ok." *credits*

I don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!

Nevermind, I just looked it up. Yeah, I totally do that all the time.

What the fuck is Twitter? For months I thought this was my diary app?! This is pretty embarrassing.

I don't know where to go for my date tonight. Or who to bring. Or how to talk to girls. Or how to conceal boners while wearing this skirt.

I'd work out but then I'd have "muscles" & I'd have to buy new clothes & I'd probably end up with a girlfriend & that just sounds expensive.

I place broken glass under monkey bars because kids need to learn to never give up.

I'm all inspirational & shit.

Whenever I go down on a girl, I like to periodically pop up like a meerkat to make sure she's still asleep.