Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm just going to go ahead & judge you.

Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

At Wal-Mart & saw a sign over the sink: "Employees must wash hands." I was stuck in there for 45 minutes before one showed up to wash mine.

I'll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

The first rule of Hangover Club is: Shhhhhhhhhhh.

Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

I think about sex every 3.14 seconds. I believe I'm Pi-Sexual.

Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.

A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.

My background check bounced.

Sext: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, I need to Google that.

If no one has named their dog "Your Mom" for the wealth of jokes ("Your Mom just pooped on the floor again!") then what are we even doing?

Due to my negative attitude, I prefer Unlucky Charms. They're tragically delicious.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.