The longer guys go without sex, the more things look like vaginas. Like this fortune cookie, for example. Mmmm, sugary vagina with wisdom!

I was being flirted with today and all I got was this stupid boner.

You seem pretty happy. I bet you don't have kids.

I like it when people eliminate all the reasons I need to be nice to them.

I still love you guys, no matter how many times you guys RT the same unfunny people.

Thanks Twitter, I almost never ask myself if that sounded 'insensitive' anymore.

So, how come white rappers aren't just called 'wrappers'?

Every once in a while, I mistakenly end a sentence in a preposition, so I just fix it by adding 'fuckface' at the end, fuckface.

I'm normally 5' 7", but I'm about 7' 2" when you return my smile.

My life is way easier to look at when I don't stare exactly at it.

Sometimes I bite my lower lip when I'm about to hit the 'Submit' button.

If cake goes straight to your thighs like you say it does, then I definitely want to be reincarnated as cake.

After careful consideration, it occurred to me that I may be the fuck-up in my circle of friends.

Thanks, creepy dudes, for making me look pretty honest and normal in comparison.

I prefer to take the higher ground because it's easier to spit on you from this angle.

Spanking someone sure isn't quite the threat it used to be....

Wanna make me stop sending you text messages? Just reply to every one of them with "LOL" or :)

Next time, I think we should fuck in the bar bathroom like regular adults.

"I am soo wasted!"

-Human female mating call

Between food and school supplies, my kids are really making it difficult to maintain my drug habit.