If I vacuum over something on the carpet 3 times and it doesn't get sucked up, I believe it's earned the right to stay.

People don't change, they just eventually stop pretending who they're not.

How old do kids have to be before you can yell “bullshit” when they do a lame trick?

I've never had a bad day that started out with sex and bacon.

Women spend 6% of their lives doing period math.

Sometimes a hard smack on the ass is welcomed and necessary.

Soooo tempted to pull the C off of a local sign celebrating Canal Day!

Don't worry when she says "I hate you"... worry when she says "I don't care."

Being 100% Italian means I can cure most illness with the right delicious food. It also means reg lip waxes.. but let's focus on the former.

Being taken for granted is my least favorite way of being taken.

If I ever reach the age when I am no longer interested in building a fort with blankets pillows and chairs.. take me out back and shoot me.

I'm pretty sure I'd be better at pole dancing with strippers than I am at having small talk with these soccer moms.

I switch my avi to no cleavage. I may have earned 950 followers with boob power... but dammit the last 50 I'll earn with moxie and wit.

Tweets are like showers, they can't all be golden.

If you get a random call from a real life friend or family asking "is everything ok?" Chances are, they've found your twitter page.

I do believe I'm getting tastier with age... In my 20's my kisses tasted like beer & pizza. Right now... rum & candy flavored antacids. :)

Sometimes your tweets are so funny, I giggle and bat my eyes at your charm. And then I realize I just flirted with my phone and I'm a loser.

7 billion people in the world... and still so many are so lonely. Makes no sense... we're doing something wrong.

Watching new love bloom and then seeing it demise into a bitter fiery pit of crazy is my favorite facebook pastime.

There’s a Mummies of the World Exhibit at the Franklin Institute… anyone who goes has clearly missed the warnings from Scooby-Doo!