Nah mate. When American's talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as transformers

Yeah, whatever kids. We didn't need an x box when we were young. We had LSD

So in America, at 18 you can die at war or get gang-banged in a porno but have to wait till you're 21 to have a beer?

With the amount of anal you Amercan's supposedly do, I'm surprised you exist at all

It's a truly pathetic state of affairs when the life of your phones battery seems more important than your own

I would give you a TOTD but I have no fucking idea what $30 is

Door says push, I pull. Says pull, I push. I'm not perfect. I'm a man. Stop looking at me

To the person who did the first 'That awkward moment when' tweet - Your mum is a whore

I think there's probably a reason so many of you are single

So the star means the conversation is over then?

The best thing about twitter is that is gives girls the freedom to be as funny as men. And fuck me, they are

It's always fun watching on as you American's slowly wake up whilst I've been here the whole time. It's like World War II all over again

My 4 year old has just spent the last 2 hours staring blankly at the computer. Fuck knows where she learnt this behaviour from

'Unexpected item in bagging area' - Yeah, it's my foot kicking in this self-service checkout. Pay for some fuckin cashiers

The speed with which I can take my phone in and out of my pocket makes me the Clint Eastwood of twitter

Truth is, I'm not addicted to twitter. It's you people's wit. I can't get enough

Stop me if I'm being impolite, but some of you people don't have jobs do you?

Baby 1: Sterilize Everything

Baby 2: That'll do

So I went to Twitterholics Anonymous last night. Didn't work. Met a girl there, took her home and we sat passionately texting all night

Do you people ever stop fuckin talking to each other? Do you think this is some kind of social network?