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You’re not truly a parent till you’ve swatted blindly into the back seat of the car, hoping to connect with a kid.
Just heard a woman say, "I ain't did nuthin wrong"
Ahhhh, yeah ya did.
You just murdered English.
I came here for the jokes, but I stayed for the subtle truth in all of them.
Just saw a list of the top 10 worst serial killers ever.
Really white people? THAT’S the sport we dominate?
Kids: Dad why are you pouring wine into your travel mug
Me: This way nobody knows
Kids: Knows what?
When somebody with a huge following ONLY stars my shit, it's like they're saying,
"Not yet kid, not yet."
When a woman cums, she looks hot.
I get the feeling that when I cum, I look like a guy with a bad stutter,
trying to start a sentence
Dear Walmart parent telling their screaming child to "Use your words".
Please take notes from the mom beating her kid in aisle 4.
My daughter just got her first Twitter account.
I Blocked her like a Fucking NFL Linebacker!
Old man noticed me staring at his pants he'd hoisted nipple high.
Looked me dead in the eye, winked and said "Chicks dig it"
My new idol.
Today I woke up determined to be a better human being.
4 hours of twitter and 7 beers later I think that'll be a great idea tomorrow too.
A 37 sec window exists when Cap'n Crunch is soft enough to not destroy the roof of your mouth,
But not yet a spoon full of yellow Diarhea.
New here? I'll fill you in
We're all drunk via vodka, divorced or about to be, hate kids, eat bacon or Vicodin & kill if manually retweeted
Sometimes I wanna star your star.
I see that you like that shit & I like that you like that shit.
Every time I get unfollowed, a baby dies....I'm just sayin, for Christ sake...think of the children.
I keep trying to have a Real Life, but then somebody does something retarded & I'm like...
I gotta tweet that!
Who’s wife invented the “add your location to your tweet” feature.
My 97 year old patient passed away and the family said,
"How could this have happened so suddenly?"
Me: "97 doesn't happen suddenly"
I've lost the capacity to sleep in.
Oh I can nap later, sure...
But this is how OLD starts...
& I don't Fucking like it!
That school teacher who told ya, "Stop being the class clown. It won't take you anywhere?"
Not her fault. Who knew Twitter was coming?
I pay a consultant for the good ones, but the rest are all me.