If I ever kill someone I'm dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like "oh yeah this makes sense."

One time I was driving & I thought this woman was casting a spell on me but she was really just trying to tell me I had books on my car roof

I don't mean to sound confrontational, but does anyone want to fight to the death?

There's always somebody wondering why other people like you.

Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

Depression: where nothing matters and everything's a big deal.

It's so rude how we call them "lazy eyes." Maybe they're having a hard time finding a job because of the economy.

"Oh you're excited about something? I'll make sure that it doesn't happen." - Life

I had a vision of Hell where none of the dogs would let me pet them and every level in Mario was a water level.

Changing my cat's name to "my agent." "Hanging out with my agent." "Drinking wine with my agent." "Pulling on my agent's weird neck skin."

I'm not into Internet dating, but I am dating the Internet.

I like this guy on My Strange Addiction. Instead of bitching about being single he did something about it & started fucking his car.

Found out my high school reunion is a three day cruise and dislocated my elbow by doing the jerk off motion too hard.

Men will never know the simple pleasure of planning their day around the absorbency of their tampon.

Whenever I see two people in love it gives me hope that maybe one day I'll go blind.

Jesus, take the wheel. What are you doing, you can't drive in sandals. You're swerving all over the damn place. Give the wheel back. Jesus.

Bored at home? Make your cats kiss.

Anyone know how to get the dead out from behind your eyes?

Trying to find the perfect balance between wanting to be included and wanting to be left alone.

Always remember to judge people based on your own insecurities.