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It's 7am on a Sunday, and the seagulls and crows are fighting for air superiority via caws. Nice.
#ImWithMitt because I think he should open all the windows on all his planes.
Finding a job in this place is like getting your teeth pulled- through your anus.
Wait...it's not 'Ass' Wednesday? These chaps probably look pretty ridiculous, then.
If you've ever had simultaneous gut pain from hunger And needing to poop, you know how the human centipede was first imagined.
It's #NationalComingOutDay . One day it'll be weird that people once felt scared of letting the world see who they truly are.
I don't know why everyone is so upset about drone strikes. I think they should have a fair wage.
Every country song: I only like white ppl, women are property, society shouldn't advance, vote republican, the south will rise again!
Hey! Just had a GREAT idea! What if I put my favorite piece of my anatomy into the most toxic and diseased bit of yours! No, not your mouth.
Moving to Seattle soon, and I have this strange image of me and the city awkwardly trying to penetrate the other first without being rapey.
#CallMeOldFashioned because, by volume I am mostly bourbon, and bitter.
If you think the trolls are bad here, you should try Libya.
The 1st ones to defend their Mama's honor from insult are, often, the 1st to demand she relinquish any personal rights to her own body.
Dear Women, today is International Women's Day. Go wild! Flaunt the patriarchy! Riot in the streets! Do what you please! Tomorrow, though...
'Dear' Customers, if I cared what you thought about how 'great' my burgers tasted, I wouldn't be wearing headphones. #tipsnotwords
http://tomedycomedy.com Comedian, Podcaster, Writer. Atheist.