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#ImWithMitt because I think he should open all the windows on all his planes.
It's 7am on a Sunday, and the seagulls and crows are fighting for air superiority via caws. Nice.
#ReasonRally b/c I'm not scared, and I'm tired of being ignored! Two weeks to go, and I can't wait! @reasonrally #ReasonRallyRollCall
Wait...it's not 'Ass' Wednesday? These chaps probably look pretty ridiculous, then.
I now live in Tacoma, WA. There is a mountain right outside my door. I think I need a bigger welcome mat.... #killme
Just got done interviewing @pennjillette
Awesome man, funny and smart, and I don't care if my man-crush-boner is showing! Buy his books!
If you've ever had simultaneous gut pain from hunger And needing to poop, you know how the human centipede was first imagined.
It's #NationalComingOutDay . One day it'll be weird that people once felt scared of letting the world see who they truly are.
I don't know why everyone is so upset about drone strikes. I think they should have a fair wage.
Every country song: I only like white ppl, women are property, society shouldn't advance, vote republican, the south will rise again!
Hey! Just had a GREAT idea! What if I put my favorite piece of my anatomy into the most toxic and diseased bit of yours! No, not your mouth.
10 Days and counting. It's weird to have "senior-itis" at 30. Worth shit at work this week. Can't wait! #ReasonRallyRollCall @reasonrally
Moving to Seattle soon, and I have this strange image of me and the city awkwardly trying to penetrate the other first without being rapey.
@therealdburnett I feel the same way. Fuck future people who are just like present me but leeching off future successful me.
The 1st ones to defend their Mama's honor from insult are, often, the 1st to demand she relinquish any personal rights to her own body.
Dear Women, today is International Women's Day. Go wild! Flaunt the patriarchy! Riot in the streets! Do what you please! Tomorrow, though...
'Dear' Customers, if I cared what you thought about how 'great' my burgers tasted, I wouldn't be wearing headphones. #tipsnotwords
My version of live tweeting anything: Shit! Fuck! Bastards! Motherfucker! Sweet! Pwned! I'm hungry, and far too sober. Oh, yeah: we won.
http://tomedycomedy.com Comedian, Podcaster, Writer. Atheist.
