BREAKING: LSU players still stranded at the Superdome. Someone painted a 50-yd line in front of the LSU bus.

Marcus Lattimore suffered a broken femur, broken patella, torn ACL, torn MCL, torn PCL, and torn LCL. Absolutely terrible. Best wishes Latt.

Brett Favre would be a great fit for The Chiefs. Texans wouldn't take him, but KC might. Let's do this Gunslinger!

Hey @nbc That dogshit you just made Bob Costas say is reprehensible. You're a source for *cough* journalism, so stick to that. Fuck off.

Mark in Hollywood "Jolene's eyes that move independently of each other" Awesome.

Ted Danson had sex with Whoopi Goldberg. Carry on.

This is how you create a Super Bowl platter: #fact http://t.co/CDl0fIhM

I have a man-crush on Cameron Diaz.

Fuck calling that 1-800 number to Cialis... If you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, DM me first. I have an open mind...

Fister? He damn near killed 'er!

For the record: I own both. The worst Droid beats the best iPhone. *Drops mic

Imagine the little stick-figure family on the back of Antonio Cromartie's vehicle.

I made sure to hide my 'Criss Angel Magic Set' before the police showed up.

I'm starting a new rap group. I shaved my pubes & glued them to my gardening tools. We're called 'The Nappy Headed Hoes'.

A ventriloquist would keep Manti Te'o occupied for days.

Finally ripped off that hangnail and unfollowed @jimrome. Thanks for the good times, Jim. Seriously. It's not me, it's you. Best wishes.

"I wanna fuck you like a GrrAnimal." #NINchildrensalbumlyrics

I stole 7 neighborhood cats today. Now let's get those Reward posters up people! I need beer money!

TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT BLATHER @nbc AND HOW DARE YOU STOOP TO THE LEVEL OF JASON WHITLOCK. FUCK YOU NBC. THE GUN DIDN'T GO OFF BY ITSELF.

TexA&M football player missing since Monday. Help the search effort. RT @manziel4heisman: EVERYONE RT THIS: #FindThomas pic.twitter.com/LeP1ArGM