I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo. Wait, a 7yo just walked by. Yep, still the only one.

Closest I'll come to reading a romance novel is watching porn with closed caption on.

Don't "hello sir" the white customer and then "sup" me. I don't know you! Hello sir me too motherfucker!

I throw up gang signs at the stoplight cameras to show how fucking gangsta I am. And then I turn back up my classical music.

I'm black but I was raised in the 80's so I'll dry hump any women in sight when "Pour Some Sugar on Me" comes on.

I like rum. I like vodka. I don't like rum in vodka. I like Christians. I like rap. You see where I'm going with this?

I'm the best token black friend you'll ever have.

My sex tape is just me eating fried chicken in the dark with a strobe light.

A little piece of me dies inside when I see white people leave all that chicken on the bone when they eat.

Making it rain Hardee's coupons in this bitch!

I didn't die yesterday so that was pretty sweet.

Let's get this out the way right now, yes I'm from St. Louis. No I don't know Nelly! - me on every trip out of town.

I don't mean to brag but I did stuff today.

Oh cause I'm black I had to be the one blasting Kanye in the parking lot?!? Don't let Becky's grandma status fool you, she's pretty hood.

If you mean going down on a chick that exercises then yes I eat healthy.

This Family Dollar smells like syphilis and weave glue.

My kids have 1 free pass to use the phrase "I wish a muthafuka would!", they just don't know it.

Parenting Tip: Run shower. Don't get in. Wait. Come out and catch kids being bad. Ground them. Use their allowance for alcohol. Repeat.

Your mom is what's trending in the bathroom stalls

After sex you shouldn't have to ask how it was, your neighbors should be knocking asking if everything is ok.