Why press 1 for English if after 10 min I'm gonna talk to someone who doesn't speak English?

Just saw a label on a curling iron that said "for external use only" there goes my weekend...

Celebrating divorce court with a homemade bong that used to be a vodka bottle

I'll never call you slut, whore, bitch or cunt. Those terms of endearment are reserved for my ex-wife

Told my wife on our wedding day she really couldn't hurt me but I was wrong. Ended up with a hernia trying to carry her into the bedroom...

When mixing pot and Prozac it's easy to forget..... What was I saying????

Welcome to the United States! Where everyone can have a cellphone but not everyone can have food or a home

Luck of the draw: having a female Dr with small fingers to check you for "internal bleeding" rather than a male with hands of a contractor..

I've seen a lot of douchery but you could clean an elephant

Woohoo! Divorce is FINAL tomorrow! Now it's time to bring back happiness in the form of a homemade bong!

Got a new boob avi today! Isn't it GREAT?!

My ass is gonna stop drop and roll tomorrow morning after the taco hell 12 pack I had for dinner tonight!

Monday... I don't need a glass, gimme the bottle. I still have 4 more days of this ridiculous shit til the weekend

If you only drink enough that you can still remember to tweet about your sexual recession... You're doing it wrong...

I've decided to speak in sonnets from now on... Does anyone know what rhymes with fucktard?

WOW!!! I have the whole house to myself! Now I just wish I knew what to do for fun since I haven't experienced this in so many years...

I'd say fuck me she's pregnant but I'm afraid it would happen again...

At 5'5 and 110lbs my Napoleon complex has been cured by 3 words...

That's not proportional...

Of course not. I'd never call you a whore...

Those bitches get paid. I called you a worthless cunt.

I learn from experience so today I'm throwing a hot dog down a hallway...