I think the car behind me with the flashing red lights wants to race.

Yes, I could pay attention throughout this entire meeting - but, it's a waste of time - and, that's what Twitter is for.

Either my wife snores, or I'm sleeping with a Yeti. Either way, the fur keeps me warm in the winter.

I have to go take my meds. My wife wants me to go out in public.

My wife just makes random, one sentence comments all the time. It's like she's live tweeting everything.

My gay friends say I'm not gay only because I haven't tried it ... Nooooo. I'm pretty sure it's because I like boobies.

I don't always pee in the toilet; but, when I do, it's epic.

Guys, I need some help - what does my wife mean when she says: "Don't touch me you bastard!"? I'm no good with hints.

Friend: "You're doing it wrong." Me: "It's Twitter. How can you possibly do that shit wrong?"

This chick is staring at me with her lazy eye ... I think.

I currently follow 382 people. 378 of you scare the shit out of me.

Thanks, Febreeze. Now it smells like somebody shit in the rain forest.

According to Hotmail, I have a clean box ... wait ... WTF?

Hey, dude standing right behind me while I'm sitting here reading Twitter - don't make me take defensive maneuvers.

Hey. If one of you would send the Meals on Heels truck by, I'll buy.

Snookie. Proving that failure has a color. Orange.

My wife is watching a zombie movie - and, critiquing it. I think she misses the point of watching zombie movies.

Ladies, you do realize if you break the choco-chip cookie in half, you can shake all the calories out, right?

Just got chased from my seat by a cricket. Ladies?

I'm not saying I had a lot to drink - but, not pulling my shorts back up after being pantsed may be an indication.