The Doc told me it wont come back as long as i wash it daily.

NEVER trust a woman with a moustache.

How about you motherfuckers RTing this motherfucker for sympathy when this motherfucker is feeling down. . . ?

The next person to knock on my door better be giving away free Big Macs or im gonna roundhouse them. Unless its Mom of course.

Happy birthday to whoevers birthday it is today.

I didnt wash my hands after that turd!!!!!, smite me, almighty smiter!!!!!!

I need someones severed finger so i can use my phone without removing my gloves.

These ducks are really vain, they keep pouting at me like they want their picture taken.

Postman keeps walkin across my grass, not tomorrow tho, that cunts goin over my new trip wire . . . . cunt.

Bedtime tips: Ladies, if you try to return the favor of anal, many of us blokes will lash out in shock & surprise.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away. . . . . . . . .is where i wish i was when shitfactors on. #whydoesshewatchthisrunnyshit?

Women think they are smart but can they piss out of a moving trains window, safely? . . . . . i think not.

I wish i had a cat so i could upload photos to show the world how much my cat looks like a cat.

I have a stepladder, its very nice but i wish i knew my real ladder.

Im feeling vunerable today, Feb 29th is when Women can legally rape Blokes, right?

Jeremy Kyle USA fucking fish crap bullshit mouseflange cunt noose forridge porridge smarmy barmy bastard.

Dont just scroll by, read me you cunt.

I get a weekly wipe down with a flannel from my co-workers for team building purposes, or they get the fucking sack. #gtshock

I find that when entering a strangers house a good ice breaker is to start sucking each of your fingers seductively whilst staring at them.

Bedtime tip: ladies, Men like a blowey every night.