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Stopped to help a woman change a tire today. No blowjob, handjob or even making out to say thanks. Which is why chivalry's dead, cunts.
every time i lose a follower i have to check that its not one of the 15 or 20 that i give a fuck about. The rest of you are just noise.
Not bragging, but I can brush my teeth and pee all over the bathroom floor at the same time.
Sext: your fingertips lightly brush my neck. I come in my pants and avoid eye contact as I apologize and leave.
I'm pretty good in the kitchen, so I'll make my own goddamned sandwich while you come to terms with what we just did.
Next person who tells me AIDS isn't funny is going to get it
Guess which loser just got a confirmation email that he got hammered and ordered a Slayer t-shirt that he's way too old to wear in public.
Everything left on my bucket list ends in "cide".
My dog gets an erection if you lightly tickle his balls with the elastic from party hats. He thinks he's people!
How do you guys manage all the job offers that come pouring in with being so witty and dedicated on twitter?
"daddy, why is it everything broken and yucky where these people live"?
Because you're a fucking racist, son.
In my Dungeons & Dragons biker gang, we pass around a communal fleshlight bitch called Jolene.
I watch people sleep so I know what to expect at their funeral.
Whats up, camera phone, retard duck face, cleavage and peace sign in the mirror over the dirtiest bathroom vanity I've ever seen?
That guy you keep retweeting fucking stinks.
The neighborhood adult retard got a moped. Fuck power, fame, money and love. I want that kind of happiness.
It's not a hate crime if it was motivated by disgust or feelings of superiority.
Green Lantern buttfucking some guy is less gay than half the shit I see you people do.
If you watch a movie of me taking a shit backwards, it's the story of a kind porcelain stranger giving a white man a blood transfusion.
I'll only mumble that I love you when my face is in your butt hole.