While breeding with strangers in unfamiliar surroundings I can't recommend strongly enough finding a safe place for your wallet or purse.

Next time you're arrested by a lady cop,don't automatically assume you're being put under sexy arrest.Sexy arrests are rarer than you think

If you own a PT Cruiser and your spouse isn't a member of a ZZ Top cover band, you need to sell it immediately.

Never send a text that says, "I think I accidentally sent you a picture of my penis." Just say, "My phone was stolen or I have a smart cat."

Don't tell Judge Judy you cash your paycheck at the liquor store.

If you're going to open your own Mr. Catfish franchise, don't use the motto
"where someone's always taking a shit," in the advertisements.

Never judge anyone's intelligence by their ability to spell definitely.

When you and a friend accidentally simultaneously talk to a waitress, never apologize for double teaming her.

If the waitress at your favorite restaurant wakes you up after passing out, it's time to find a new eatery. That's super rude.

When attempting to shoplift objects over four feet long, make sure to bring a friend to light a distraction-fire.

When explaining,by song,why you would prefer to breed with her more than 60% of the world's female population,make sure it's from the heart.

Anyone who has eaten at Denny's twice has no idea what they're doing. Avoid them at all costs.

Athletic shorts and public drinking? Do it. You'll look attractive and active.

We all need some -me time- even if it only means crying at Taco Bell until you're arrested.

The importance of drunken honesty can't be overstated. Get drunk and do some talking.

Make sure your children have a good grasp on the English language before you allow them to watch Swamp People.

Never ask if you can get your change in dick sucks, even if you're at the dollar store. #localspecial

Only have unprotected sex with someone that is smarter than you.

Never ask a brand new lover if it's amateur night at your dick. Save that line for a regular. He or she will appreciate it more.

If you're lucky enough to find yourself drunk as hell,don't drive a bus,even if you have to hand the keys to a 5th grader(fine,video games)