I wish my phone took unexpected pictures of me when I read some of your tweets, you know like the cameras on rollercoasters?

Twitter's kinda like high school. Some really cool guys, a few cocky d-bags, very pretty smart girls that think they're ugly and the sluts

My wife said she'd have morning sex with me if this got 10 RTs!

Ha ha just kidding she doesn't even know what RT is (or morning sex)

It's not creepy unless you read more than 30 days worth of her tweets, right?

Kids don't rush into marriage because the person of your dreams may be in Canada or something

Rape jokes aren't funny, ever. Surely you boys can come up with something better sitting at the computer in your mom's basement.

When I am out in public I wish that I could magically see everyone's twitter handle, but it seems like many of you don't get out much

My pent up sexual frustration could be America's next renewable energy source. Clean too!

I am full of the best worst ideas!

I let the little things bother me, like people that back into their parking spaces.

It's not a good mustache unless it makes people a little uneasy

Dunkin Donuts is doubling the number of stores in the next 20 years because apparently we don't have enough really really fat people

A flirt is someone that wants to have sex but probably won't.
A tease is someone that acts like they want to have sex but have no intent.

My 5yo was on the ipad playing something and yelled "I got a star" and I was like WTF!?! The end.

Reading your tweets is better than reading my hometown obituaries.

Usually.

If they ever determine that coffee causes cancer I'm fucked

Your animated avatars freak me the fuck out

Before twitter I didn't realize so many hot girls were obsessed with blow jobs and tweeting about their shit

Do blueberries have the same effect as pineapple? I just ate a ton, maybe I'll taste like a blueberry muffin.

Junk food, twitter, and illicit affairs have the same effect on the brain as cocaine? Never tried it but sounds like cocaine is overrated.