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I wish my phone took unexpected pictures of me when I read some of your tweets, you know like the cameras on rollercoasters?
Twitter's kinda like high school. Some really cool guys, a few cocky d-bags, very pretty smart girls that think they're ugly and the sluts
Kids don't rush into marriage because the person of your dreams may be in Canada or something
Relax, nothing is under control
It's not creepy unless you read more than 30 days worth of her tweets, right?
It's not a good mustache unless it makes people a little uneasy
Rape jokes aren't funny, ever. Surely you boys can come up with something better sitting at the computer in your mom's basement.
When I am out in public I wish that I could magically see everyone's twitter handle, but it seems like many of you don't get out much
I am full of the best worst ideas!
I let the little things bother me, like people that back into their parking spaces.
It seems to be our nature to not fully appreciate someone until they're gone forever.
Dunkin Donuts is doubling the number of stores in the next 20 years because apparently we don't have enough really really fat people
If they ever determine that coffee causes cancer I'm fucked
"Are you sure you want to clear history?"
Oh yes, quite sure.
Reading your tweets is better than reading my hometown obituaries.
If you weren't around when there used to be light brown m&m's, we probably shouldn't follow each other
There's not enough naked in my life
True love is my 14 year old dog following me up and down the stairs despite the pain it causes him, just to be near me
The ones without scars or skeletons are the ones you need to watch out for
When a person inspires a tweet and then they star it. That.