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I wish my phone took unexpected pictures of me when I read some of your tweets, you know like the cameras on rollercoasters?
Twitter's kinda like high school. Some really cool guys, a few cocky d-bags, very pretty smart girls that think they're ugly and the sluts
Kids don't rush into marriage because the person of your dreams may be in Canada or something
It's not creepy unless you read more than 30 days worth of her tweets, right?
Relax, nothing is under control
My wife said she'd have morning sex with me if this got 10 RTs!
Ha ha just kidding she doesn't even know what RT is (or morning sex)
It's not a good mustache unless it makes people a little uneasy
When I am out in public I wish that I could magically see everyone's twitter handle, but it seems like many of you don't get out much
Rape jokes aren't funny, ever. Surely you boys can come up with something better sitting at the computer in your mom's basement.
My pent up sexual frustration could be America's next renewable energy source. Clean too!
I am full of the best worst ideas!
I let the little things bother me, like people that back into their parking spaces.
Dunkin Donuts is doubling the number of stores in the next 20 years because apparently we don't have enough really really fat people
If they ever determine that coffee causes cancer I'm fucked
It seems to be our nature to not fully appreciate someone until they're gone forever.
Your animated avatars freak me the fuck out
Reading your tweets is better than reading my hometown obituaries.
"Are you sure you want to clear history?"
Oh yes, quite sure.
There's not enough naked in my life
If you weren't around when there used to be light brown m&m's, we probably shouldn't follow each other