I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

This is my stepladder. My real ladder left when I was 5.

7 billion people on the planet and I know exactly which one I want.

The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.

A fairytale wrapped up in bad timing and different worlds.

A Twitter Elite, a Twitter Asshole and a Twitter Retweeter walk into a bar..

..haha, no they didn't. They never leave the house.

There is a fine line between loving unconditionally and throwing your self respect out the window into oncoming traffic.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

When I RT what I'm actually saying is "Fuck I wish I wrote that"

I've been trying to throw this boomerang away ALL GODDAMN DAY

I'm not saying its your fault. I'm saying I'm blaming you.

Thanks to an open window and some unexpected rain I am now the proud owner of a wet dream catcher.

May divorce be with you.

Being brave enough to hope is not a flaw, it's unimaginable strength.

Of course I will send you a topless photo, but then you have to marry me and buy my father a goat.

I'm deep enough to admit that I would be a lot more interested in what you were saying if it was about me.

Oprah says I should throw out anything that doesn't make me feel fabulous.

And that's why these kids have got to go.

I'm assuming this girl ATE the girl who was originally wearing that miniskirt.

Just because they're not over you doesn't mean they're still into you.

I'm almost sure this is the pub I was at last night. But to be wholly sure I'd have to lie on the floor and study the ceiling.