In order of preference: blow job; hand job; no job; part-time job; job.

Cop asked for DL and proof of insurance. TOTALLY shut him down by asking for birth certificate. Also, tasers hurt like hell.

My finishing move in bed is to apologize.

If your wallet has a chain, you have herpes.

If I drop an ice cube and it breaks into more than six pieces, I'll wipe that motherfucker up in the morning.

Dudes, remember before Twitter when we thought girls were fancier than us?

I'm bringing sketchy back.

My Wife's Indian Name: Judges Other's Eyeliner.

I fake caring. She fakes climaxing. It's a relationship. There's give and take.

Accidentaly inhaled the six year old's morning breath and now I need an exorcist.

If opinions are like assholes, let's all get our opinions bleached!

So It's Settled: Obama, Hawaii, 1961 A.D. McCain, Pangea, 250 Million Years B.C.

The value of spandex is inversely proportionate to how long it took to squeeze your ass into it.

I recycle plastic, paper, glass, metal, jokes, lies, masturbation story lines, and threats to my children.

Guns don't kill people. Black guys named Larry do. Oh, and white guys who are cops. And pretty much all Mexicans. That is all.

Dear sluts: We know. And we sorta care.... But the main thing is we fucking know already.

While others see a poor junkie girl, I see an opportunity. An opportunity to get a cheap hummer from a poor junkie girl.

Not sure EXACTLY how it breaks down. But "NSFW" means "Click Now," just so you know.

You're a seven-layer dipshit.

In my family, "sex" was a dirty word. So we just called it "a little cousin/cousin time."