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  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

    • 1,413
    • FAVS
    sperkalv1nn1eCarmoucheNathansusannesageburnyourdonutsIanBallsBakedEllemybigblondelife
    • 1,021
    • RETWEETS
    2happyrightthndrbrd13tsenzeniKenProvostBishopsBlaizeKatyJo81EPSedlockDaisyFreakinLou
    wrdsmythe________BillMc7PrincessBailyllvvzzYearOfRatCanadian_HoserMiketheSourcerthe_anastasiaSupersurlyRexHuppke
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."

    • 1,143
    • FAVS
    neillharmermilehighocdBakedEllejane_botjakob_huberDanKCharnleyroshan_adcarlosmolotov
    • 256
    • RETWEETS
    BryantTehTyrantmilehighocdBakedElleTheSFNoirSimonJKaneStevenDibelloIzianikapanijustfay3
    Blacksbrgmister__kushyhomemakr____
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.

    • 1,049
    • FAVS
    BakedEllejane_botjakob_huberDanKCharnleyShoutingGoddessHenry_3kjustfay3_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    pompousdadHenry_3kjustfay3PAT_E_ROCKbrownpuppetLalaHashheatherjsShaeAaron
    llvvzzllvvzzzTequilaTears
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    If you think you can just waltz in here and use me for sex, you're right, but walking would have been fine.

    • 890
    • FAVS
    JaySucherictruehearttrialfemmesmeagolsfree6stellar9dan_oppthecrow27bengoobers
    • 304
    • RETWEETS
    maxfullerrxGreatDanniJasonBerlinjoejitsuNinjaTheLouScannonBakedEllecambrochill5emmmily_h
    letsgetgizzymugkipCrowdedBalcony
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.

    • 799
    • FAVS
    kirbywrathsperkalBakedEllejakob_hubergrinding_nemoMrToddSmithOhgoddessitsmeLSahara610
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    kirbywrathAllisaur_RawrSomeJoeBro__FriskyOnWhiskey__canadasandrahaileylyonnaisSteelCityDawnScott_the_Dog_
    Kim_pulsiveTheTennisPhenomjoaomatthews_wjflowerstnylgnrichmckayAngelaHelga
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I hate when your brakes fail just as someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is crossing the street tomorrow.

    • 640
    • FAVS
    BakedEllecanadasandraDanKCharnleyMartyCapronibirddogg61starchasermikeSillyGibbyDJNolannnn
    • 186
    • RETWEETS
    xxunhappinessxxTheSFNoirNatesleafsHenry_3kMossMan_85PAT_E_ROCKJustSayn2skoots777
    llvvzzzNardsterUNTRESORblondediva11
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.

    • 729
    • FAVS
    BakedElleDanKCharnleyCatherineLMKYesImMattmllebeckyrosexrandomxgirlxsugarboyflysuzieQ0007
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    YesImMattsuzieQ0007Henry_3kjustfay3PAT_E_ROCKNatstarCandyShahdomar77schboog
    FlirtyNikka
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

    • 571
    • FAVS
    huensaoLinajkReturnsbadsandwichMikeMcGinnizalwaysbeforethitchnermad0mLowkeyTwits
    • 172
    • RETWEETS
    RCSTechNGamingRGLoganhuensaosoltysjbryhams_zazzles_spenceywencyeliserose5
    HeyZeus666
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    My new diet consists of not beginning meals mumbling ˝fuck it.˝

    • 611
    • FAVS
    BakedEllejane_botjakob_huberDanKCharnleyHenry_3k_Ms_Moneypenny_Erik_Allenndiquote
    • 132
    • RETWEETS
    PAT_E_ROCKstarwarsshirtKim_pulsiveFunniestEverTPPPacoBUBULUOJETEAnneArchambtokencharlie______
    CarolEdietamytoo2peterbyrnes______NiknotMick
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I've never seen a ghost, but once my regular home phone rang.

    • 645
    • FAVS
    sperkaltemptnumber2BobbyBucchaevicki2020zorgodeliserose5BakedElleDanKCharnley
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    KittenMcKayeliserose5xxunhappinessxxonume_LORDHEFNER_ProblematicYouHenry_3kPAT_E_ROCK
    writeslikehell
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.

    • 636
    • FAVS
    BakedElleVice_QueenHenry_3kAMtweetingawaysmokeymccheefoRandomThoughtXOSeanD1111getwittwer
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    LuckyySoxCaseyWinehouseAnigyvMelizwafflesawesomeJCwoodTeganTateVanillaRoads_Ms_Moneypenny_
    JonJon_BrownDadNeedsADrink
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...

    • 531
    • FAVS
    sperkalBakedEllejakob_huberSoonerjay75Henry_3kStacey7542AMtweetingawayRandomThoughtXO
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    TheTweetFarmStacey7542VashWdsUnspokenFeenohmenalsavage_wienersleepy_sirenContwixtjafalives
    FattMernandezKellyBawston
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling ˝Hey asshole, she's blind!˝

    • 536
    • FAVS
    BakedElleVice_QueenHenry_3k_Ms_Moneypenny_Erik_AllenJasonBerlinCrackedIllusionstarwarsshirt
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    IG_stunna_jnrwhitm88TH14DB10Kim_pulsiveKallieRahejaina_mehtaYeah_right_surefuckcrocs
    NajmaSky25mugkipNiknotMick
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
    What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

    • 373
    • FAVS
    BakedElleHenry_3k_Ms_Moneypenny_Erik_AllenstarwarsshirtvaporcoffinfaramoushCatherineLMK
    • 195
    • RETWEETS
    grampadubstreeman563Lengsanity1ficklenutsRNAwesomeSaucefunTweetersLexiedeadpoolironclad1609
    BDGarpJerryThomas
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Sometimes I'm tempted to watch Fox news, but then I remember I've read books.

    • 479
    • FAVS
    BakedElleHenry_3kCursitivityContwixt_Ms_Moneypenny_Erik_AllenJasonBerlindelishkanish
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    IG_stunna_jnrContwixtShaenanigans92ShaeAaronninajones11AlyciaBeautifulrachellinfox______mysisterisadish
    patricksaleeby____renojenn__________
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Stubbing your toe on a table isn't that bad as long as you massage it, and destroy everything you've ever loved with fire.

    • 341
    • FAVS
    FattMernandezJoeBuonfiglioSassyChantelleAstronaut1205pinaplFaux_MaSailorCodilacrossemom5
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    Faux_MaJASchneider204JudyBooty02eliserose5sissygirl91alaskanlutemichhersheyAmquaneesha
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.

    • 535
    • FAVS
    BakedElleVice_QueenCursitivityContwixtErik_AllenJasonBerlinstarwarsshirtTingyS
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    CursitivityContwixtKim_pulsiveWhite__BaitfarleftcoastTheDairylandDonrockyhorsChefBoredRTs
    BillMc7JonJon_Brownfriendlymutton______YUCKYBOT
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.

    • 487
    • FAVS
    BakedElleErik_AllenJasonBerlindscatlawGlennWhiteGodivaInBluepipeythewelderContwixt
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    GlennWhiteGodivaInBluepipeythewelderContwixtdelishkanishShaeAaroncurlymalloyTheOstin
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    "Want some decaf coffee?" Good call. While we're at it, better throw in the drawing of a boob, and the sound of pizza. Thanks, Satan.

    • 346
    • FAVS
    KailaGehringlovemydogduckfusedudeHeyZeus666dietredbullotherleahpopcorngoddess1NotRocktSurgery
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    crystaldawnn11_baethoven_fusedudeVrdxgreenotherleahpopcorngoddess1lilbreebsaetheos
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.

    • 427
    • FAVS
    BakedElleVice_QueenErik_AllenJasonBerlinCrackedIllusionKim_pulsiveR_M_O_L_I_N_Athedayofthedot
    • 55
    • RETWEETS
    writeslikehellpatrickeckhartImpress4LessUKandrewbogerchris14612newcollegelifeDreamingOfBaconcontactmstblack
    vaporcoffin
@TrainedHedonist

@TrainedHedonist

Writer, semi-retired amateur lawn dart player. Will sleep for food. Neurotic purveyor of wordsmithing for TV, print, @Lifecoachers, Witstream, Someecards