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  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

    • 1,284
    • FAVS
    Baz_3000StephenBCramerLunarVampureiaDeurb1ChicorelliStarGinGanderthedayofthedotMariaShehata
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    Deurb1ChicorelliStarHolocrypticGinGandermikefofficialcanadian_jane____cardigansruleNelnur
    wrdsmythe________BillMc7PrincessBailyllvvzzYearOfRatCanadian_HoserBrad_Spittsthe_anastasiaSupersurlyRexHuppke
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."

    • 1,110
    • FAVS
    gurl_cheese_chelseahuffrandomlady74leahcaR711ChuckMooreTNashuck_3hannmartBaz_3000
    • 242
    • RETWEETS
    ashuck_3DeBo_FoShohannmartBaz_3000lllvvvzzz23_LiesForderSaraWhiteShep72
    Blacksbrgmister__kushyhomemakr____
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.

    • 1,025
    • FAVS
    truthisatokenseanelliffthedayofthedotredherringbearAndLive2LoveTheDairylandDonVikeeysSecretshesananteater
    • 153
    • RETWEETS
    UghNotAgainDawnLovesZombiedick_ishnoway741dethorn68_notyourmom_IsalguezAlexllvvzz
    llvvzzllvvzzzTequilaTears
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    If you think you can just waltz in here and use me for sex, you're right, but walking would have been fine.

    • 832
    • FAVS
    BaziquethedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnVerifiedDrunkpangieeveeAndLive2LoveDan_McGee
    • 287
    • RETWEETS
    MsWobrainDannyIvy_007Jennifergr8McDaniel1022ImaFlyontheWallArtyisonfireOneLinersPlusralphlehmann1
    letsgetgizzyineedaballrubCrowdedBalcony
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.

    • 712
    • FAVS
    thedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnGhetto_TrophyCandyWarholeMilkshakeAnyone__NatstarCandybalenciagaxbabe
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    NatstarCandyShahdomar77schboogWizo_oJenni_Babschunts13fingerbangsAllieEm120
    FlirtyNikka
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I hate when your brakes fail just as someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is crossing the street tomorrow.

    • 620
    • FAVS
    RitleySammichStephenBCramerJustSayn2thedayofthedottnylgnVerifiedDrunkpangieeveeAndLive2Love
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    JustSayn2skoots777dick_ishDMightoneliserose5JEEZkanani________ppenniiQuetzolcotl
    llvvzzzNardsterUNTRESORblondediva11
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.

    • 726
    • FAVS
    thedayofthedotderbyjamesAndLive2LoveMilkshakeAnyone__KevinFarzadRealSteveBalikGhetto_TrophyTheClubHau5
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    Clip_Show_Timeeliserose5JEEZkanani________OFMooseGKTAredkedabo________TheTennisPhenomJiminyKicksItcurlymalloy
    TheTennisPhenomjoaomatthews_wjflowerstnylgnrichmckayAngelaHelga
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    My new diet consists of not beginning meals mumbling ˝fuck it.˝

    • 592
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverStephenBCramerbuck4ittthedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnActualPerson084JennyPentland
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverTPPPacoBUBULUOJETEAnneArchambtokencharlie______EtaPikeReneeWestberry1fuddlemark
    CarolEdietamytoo2peterbyrnes______NiknotMick
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I've never seen a ghost, but once my regular home phone rang.

    • 619
    • FAVS
    hellominamoobuck4ittTweetwatcher4e_skalaSarita_AlessiaHome_Halfwaydollydumperthedayofthedot
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    e_skala_kendallRAEEmilyKaz26KittenMiracleThe_Stuebidiverrissamcelhaney_marisaeatonKarissa_Naomi
    writeslikehell
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.

    • 604
    • FAVS
    thedayofthedotderbyjamesGhetto_TrophyVikeeysSecretMilkshakeAnyone__cee_ryanTheClubHau5dick_ish
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    koolantLulia_Jalopa______hipchkkLauren_Ipsum_CbethriceCool_JesseCurlyTimonCrackedIllusion
    JonJon_BrownDadNeedsADrink
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling ˝Hey asshole, she's blind!˝

    • 521
    • FAVS
    buck4ittthedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnKittySaysMeeowdreamingauzeAmandaDuncan13Yeah_right_sure
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    KallieRahejaina_mehtaYeah_right_surefidel_c4shfl0wfortunewizziGhetto_Trophytokencharlie______TitsSmith
    NajmaSky25ineedaballrubNiknotMick
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...

    • 479
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverthedayofthedottnylgnGhetto_Trophyyungshrieve______cee_ryankanekos69TheClubHau5
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverTheClubHau5tokencharlie______ahatwearerslimtim70BringItHomeBaby__Meg_Va____________2coquette
    FattMernandezKellyBawston
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
    What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

    • 368
    • FAVS
    RitleySammichfaramoushCatherineLMKATXBOSS__________Lengsanity1ficklenutsfunk62outdapostrophe27
    • 195
    • RETWEETS
    grampadubstreeman563Lengsanity1ficklenutsRNAwesomeSaucefunTweetersLexiedeadpoolironclad1609
    BDGarpJerryThomas
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Sometimes I'm tempted to watch Fox news, but then I remember I've read books.

    • 469
    • FAVS
    thedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnGhetto_TrophypangieeveeHoraptordannyvegasucksdick_ish
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    ninajones11AlyciaBeautifulrachellinfox______mysisterisadishloversMeAllAnita_napYvisCJCBNE
    patricksaleeby____renojenn__________
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.

    • 524
    • FAVS
    thedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnGhetto_TrophyCandyWarholedannyvegasucksspartikizzydick_ish
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    White__BaitfarleftcoastTheDairylandDonrockyhorsChefBoredRTslulusgirl888AwhDiddyTweetsJonJon_Brown
    BillMc7JonJon_Brownfriendlymutton______YUCKYBOT
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.

    • 475
    • FAVS
    buck4ittthedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnGhetto_TrophyTheDairylandDonspartikizzydick_ish
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    curlymalloyTheOstin__BojantamapatamapamizzanthropicfuckingBarretlailacastro______Loascha
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.

    • 421
    • FAVS
    R_M_O_L_I_N_AthedayofthedotderbyjamestnylgnGhetto_Trophydick_ishtokencharlie_______wangwe
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    writeslikehellpatrickeckhartImpress4LessUKandrewbogerchris14612newcollegelifeDreamingOfBaconcontactmstblack
    RitleySammich
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Say what you want about Rick Perry, but you have to admit he has the hair of 1974 prom king, and the mind of a violently retarded farmhand.

    • 377
    • FAVS
    RitleySammichthedayofthedottnylgnGhetto_TrophySPmilkshakecee_ryandick_ish_wangwe
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    GeoroyoBlogsNewsReviewKRobinson4realPure_Matador______sidhe_laGay_DavidMarilynDiMaggioAgentIndigo______
    falsettoclergyMolly_Kats
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Paranormal Activity 5 is just going to be cell phone footage of Willem Dafoe eating slices of ham.

    • 299
    • FAVS
    RitleySammichdesignersaysthedayofthedottnylgnGhetto_TrophyJonJon_Brownms_woodsyfubarpops
    • 166
    • RETWEETS
    miketcetera______leighhmackayrawcheesecarrozoKrisEAdamsok_get_seriousdannyvegasucksjoereuter
    themurphyblack
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I just danced so badly that girls I've fantasized about having sex with called to cancel the first date I haven't asked them out on yet.

    • 406
    • FAVS
    thedayofthedottnylgnGhetto_TrophyTheDairylandDonspartikizzydick_ishHeyZeus666tokencharlie______
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    tokencharlie______wrdsmythe________ImJustJeannieDonSt0ppablehipchkkpatrickeckhartWhatThaFudge______Loascha
@TrainedHedonist

@TrainedHedonist
Pro

Writer, semi-retired amateur lawn dart player. Will sleep for food. Neurotic purveyor of wordsmithing for TV, print, @Lifecoachers, Witstream, Someecards