I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."

It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.

If you think you can just waltz in here and use me for sex, you're right, but walking would have been fine.

I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.

I hate when your brakes fail just as someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is crossing the street tomorrow.

All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.

My new diet consists of not beginning meals mumbling ˝fuck it.˝

Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.

I've never seen a ghost, but once my regular home phone rang.

Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...

If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling ˝Hey asshole, she's blind!˝

Sometimes I'm tempted to watch Fox news, but then I remember I've read books.

Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.

The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.

What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.

Say what you want about Rick Perry, but you have to admit he has the hair of 1974 prom king, and the mind of a violently retarded farmhand.

Paranormal Activity 5 is just going to be cell phone footage of Willem Dafoe eating slices of ham.

I just danced so badly that girls I've fantasized about having sex with called to cancel the first date I haven't asked them out on yet.