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I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.
A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."
It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.
If you think you can just waltz in here and use me for sex, you're right, but walking would have been fine.
All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.
I hate when your brakes fail just as someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is crossing the street tomorrow.
I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My new diet consists of not beginning meals mumbling ˝fuck it.˝
I've never seen a ghost, but once my regular home phone rang.
Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.
Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...
If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling ˝Hey asshole, she's blind!˝
What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."
Sometimes I'm tempted to watch Fox news, but then I remember I've read books.
Stubbing your toe on a table isn't that bad as long as you massage it, and destroy everything you've ever loved with fire.
Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.
The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.
"Want some decaf coffee?" Good call. While we're at it, better throw in the drawing of a boob, and the sound of pizza. Thanks, Satan.
Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.
Writer, semi-retired amateur lawn dart player. Will sleep for food. Neurotic purveyor of wordsmithing for TV, print, @Lifecoachers, Witstream, Someecards