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  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

    • 1,426
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzBlueIvysBrotherMisslucyLeeFuckPickingNamebitchkriegBull_HockeyMadMimsyPeteyOneto
    • 1,027
    • RETWEETS
    BlueIvysBrotherMisslucyLeebitchkriegMadMimsyBull_HockeyWittyClitty2happyrightthndrbrd13
    wrdsmythe________BillMc7PrincessBailyllvvzzYearOfRatCanadian_HoserMiketheSourcerthe_anastasiaSupersurlyRexHuppke
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."

    • 1,146
    • FAVS
    BlueIvysBrotherBull_Hockey_odlanyeRneillharmermilehighocdBakedEllejane_botjakob_huber
    • 256
    • RETWEETS
    BryantTehTyrantmilehighocdBakedElleTheSFNoirSimonJKaneStevenDibelloIzianikapanijustfay3
    Blacksbrgmister__kushyhomemakr____
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.

    • 1,051
    • FAVS
    MadMimsy_odlanyeRBakedEllejane_botjakob_huberDanKCharnleyShoutingGoddessHenry_3k
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    pompousdadHenry_3kjustfay3PAT_E_ROCKbrownpuppetLalaHashheatherjsShaeAaron
    llvvzzllvvzzzSkunkFarts
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    If you think you can just waltz in here and use me for sex, you're right, but walking would have been fine.

    • 902
    • FAVS
    TisBestWithBWarWithMyMinddinnerwithurmomWilframAlphaKristina_X09tech_beefcakeSamuelHLoweBlueIvysBrother
    • 311
    • RETWEETS
    RockRolledSonHiramBlayneCOMPLAINSSamuelHLoweSand_In_DeediGreenMonkMadMimsymaxfullerrx
    letsgetgizzymugkipCrowdedBalcony
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.

    • 811
    • FAVS
    BlueIvysBrother_odlanyeRSneedSnidelygeniusindisgizedavidisnotrightBrainDentistklikekyleCraigChamberlin
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    sillybritchesParanoiamoonMaui_SpeakskirbywrathAllisaur_RawrSomeJoeBro__IAmSaidWhiskeycanadasandra
    Kim_pulsiveTheTennisPhenomjoaomatthews_wjflowerstnylgnrichmckayAngelaHelga
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.

    • 732
    • FAVS
    BlueIvysBrotherMadMimsyEsLoQueVivesBakedElleDanKCharnleyCatherineLMKYesImMattmllebeckyrose
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    YesImMattsuzieQ0007Henry_3kjustfay3PAT_E_ROCKNatstarCandyShahdomar77schboog
    FlirtyNikka
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I hate when your brakes fail just as someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is crossing the street tomorrow.

    • 640
    • FAVS
    BakedEllecanadasandraDanKCharnleyMartyCapronibirddogg61starchasermikeSillyGibbyDJNolannnn
    • 186
    • RETWEETS
    xxunhappinessxxTheSFNoirNatesleafsHenry_3kMossMan_85PAT_E_ROCKJustSayn2skoots777
    llvvzzzNardsterUNTRESORblondediva11
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

    • 575
    • FAVS
    davetureqe_hillmonMaui_SpeaksThe_Sculptressms_woodsyCh8rminghuensaoLinajkReturns
    • 174
    • RETWEETS
    davetureqDriveLikeGWRCSTechNGamingRGLoganhuensaosoltysjbryhams_zazzles_
    HeyZeus666
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    My new diet consists of not beginning meals mumbling ˝fuck it.˝

    • 613
    • FAVS
    BlueIvysBrotherMaui_SpeaksBakedEllejane_botjakob_huberDanKCharnleyHenry_3k_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 132
    • RETWEETS
    PAT_E_ROCKstarwarsshirtKim_pulsiveFunniestEverTeamPartyPatroIBUBULUOJETEAnneArchambtokencharlie______
    CarolEdietamytoo2peterbyrnes______NiknotMick
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    I've never seen a ghost, but once my regular home phone rang.

    • 645
    • FAVS
    sperkaltemptnumber2BobbyBucchaevicki2020zorgodeliserose5BakedElleDanKCharnley
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    KittenMcKayeliserose5xxunhappinessxxonume_LORDHEFNER_ProblematicYouHenry_3kPAT_E_ROCK
    writeslikehell
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.

    • 642
    • FAVS
    LilMamacitaDontDukEB512happyrightbriancragineliserose5BlueIvysBrotherBakedElleVice_Queen
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    LilMamacitaDontDukEB512happyrighteliserose5BlueIvysBrotherLuckyySoxCaseyWinehouse__Anigyv__
    JonJon_BrownDadNeedsADrink
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...

    • 535
    • FAVS
    LilMamacitaDontDukEB51eliserose5Maui_SpeakssperkalBakedEllejakob_huberSoonerjay75
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    DukEB51Philip379372happyrighteliserose5TheTweetFarmStacey7542VashWdsUnspokenFeenohmenal
    FattMernandezKellyBawston
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Stubbing your toe on a table isn't that bad as long as you massage it, and destroy everything you've ever loved with fire.

    • 402
    • FAVS
    spacelogscomicClaudiaLarkin_troyjohnsonBondageLandbunklelifeEves1HeustisLiveEddie_Schmidt
    • 231
    • RETWEETS
    TheEternalOptqueefersuthbalromasantthatnerdychikTheRealRHBBob_JankeDebSpackmanmyles000007
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling ˝Hey asshole, she's blind!˝

    • 541
    • FAVS
    eh_roh985LilMamacitaDontDukEB512happyrighteliserose5BakedElleVice_QueenHenry_3k
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    eh_roh985MineDoreenMineLilMamacitaDontDukEB512happyrighteliserose5IG_stunna_jnrwhitm88
    NajmaSky25mugkipNiknotMick
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
    What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

    • 378
    • FAVS
    str8upjuggahosMissvalCaRocket_Gameraeliserose5Maui_SpeaksBakedElleHenry_3k_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 196
    • RETWEETS
    str8upjuggahoseliserose5grampadubstreeman563Lengsanity1ficklenutsRNAwesomeSaucefunTweeters
    BDGarpJerryThomas
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Sometimes I'm tempted to watch Fox news, but then I remember I've read books.

    • 479
    • FAVS
    BakedElleHenry_3kCursitivityContwixt_Ms_Moneypenny_Erik_AllenJasonBerlindelishkanish
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    IG_stunna_jnrContwixtShaenanigans92ShaeAaronninajones11AlyciaBeautifulrachellinfox______mysisterisadish
    patricksaleeby____renojenn__________
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.

    • 535
    • FAVS
    BakedElleVice_QueenCursitivityContwixtErik_AllenJasonBerlinstarwarsshirtTingyS
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    CursitivityContwixtKim_pulsiveWhite__BaitfarleftcoastTheDairylandDonrockyhorsChefBoredRTs
    BillMc7JonJon_Brownfriendlymutton______YUCKYBOT
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.

    • 492
    • FAVS
    daniel_frijolesThe_Sculptresskaranicole_thepaulboothSamuelHLoweBakedElleErik_AllenJasonBerlin
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    daniel_frijolesBenderIsGreat7Mkaranicole_SamuelHLoweGlennWhiteGodivaInBluemorethanMI5Contwixt
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    "Want some decaf coffee?" Good call. While we're at it, better throw in the drawing of a boob, and the sound of pizza. Thanks, Satan.

    • 360
    • FAVS
    MollykirkerThe_SwizzleJakeNicholaswhatitis112TravonfightforfoodWritingWilkieEricMarten
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    MollykirkerRitleySammichlvvzzxoallllycrystaldawnn11_InGlobWeTrust_fusedudeVrdxgreen
  • TrainedHedonist
      Brian Soto @TrainedHedonist

    Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    BlueIvysBrother_odlanyeRBakedElleVice_QueenErik_AllenJasonBerlinCrackedIllusionKim_pulsive
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    BlueIvysBrotherwriteslikehellpatrickeckhartImpress4LessUKandrewbogerchris14612newcollegelifeDreamingOfBacon
    RitleySammich
@TrainedHedonist

@TrainedHedonist

Writer, semi-retired amateur lawn dart player. Will sleep for food. Neurotic purveyor of wordsmithing for TV, print, @Lifecoachers, Witstream, Someecards

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