I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

If you think you can just waltz in here and use me for sex, you're right, but walking would have been fine.

A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."

The details of Romney's agenda actually make perfect sense once you read them, and smoke bath salts with Gary Busey. #debate #townhalldebate

I hate when your brakes fail just as someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is crossing the street tomorrow.

Paranormal Activity 5 is just going to be cell phone footage of Willem Dafoe eating slices of ham.

What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.

My new diet consists of not beginning meals mumbling ˝fuck it.˝

Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...

Tough choice between the Democrat's goal to support the economy, and the Republican's plan to give money to fat rich people. #DNC2012 #DNC

Party's over, guys. Twitter used to be a haven for the immoral, but now that the Pope joined, it's a haven for the sexually depraved too.

One minute you have faith in humanity, and the next you hear an adult man say, "delish."

I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.

Say what you want about Rick Perry, but you have to admit he has the hair of 1974 prom king, and the mind of a violently retarded farmhand.

If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

Say what you want about Republicans, but Paul Ryan looks like he came to the debate very prepared to lie about hating poor people. #VPDebate

Sometimes I'm tempted to watch Fox news, but then I remember I've read books.

If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling ˝Hey asshole, she's blind!˝

Normally I think suicide is a bad answer, but if you're sick enough that you plan to do what happened in CT today, start with yourself.