One subtle way to end a bad date is to match your response time in a face to face conversation to your response time in texts.

I'd do a year in Sing Sing with breast implants if it meant when I got out it was illegal to play rap through cell phone speakers in public.

Orlando Bloom always looks like he just did a drive-by yelling in an environmentally friendly car playing pan flute music.

Paranormal Activity 5 is just going to be cell phone footage of Willem Dafoe eating slices of ham.

Add authenticity to your Thanksgiving festivities by decorating with goards, and summarily executing Hopi tribal villagers with muskets.

I'm old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

I've never seen a ghost, but once my regular home phone rang.

If I see someone with a shirt tucked into their shorts, I get out of the way so I don't get shot too.

"Mother of god he's frozen through. Jerry is frozen solid. Go back! Get ou..." - Field recording from Tilda Swinton's vagina 7-14-03 1:32 am

All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.

People saying I'm crazy reading software license agreements will feel dumb when they authorize Philip Seymour Hoffman to spoon them at night

Pffft, who needs women and their drama and...ability to complete you, and... soft bodies. So soft...

I just saw Tony Romo trying to hail a taxi and inadvertently throw up four gang signs and an "I love you" to a deaf man.

"Reborn as a Mephistophelean huntress I'll descend upon your world to visit unspeakable horrors on the wailing innocent" - Suri Cruise maybe

If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

One minute you have faith in humanity, and the next you hear an adult man say, "delish."

Hank Williams Jr criticizing Obama must be newsworthy because of country music's strong history saying clever informed things about politics

Good to see Madonna's arms getting work as Sylvester Stallone's stunt double in The Expendables 2.

No one at this party seems impressed with how I can twerk it while holding scotch, or looks familiar, or is over age 7.