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Thinking about getting "Lipton" tattooed on my ball sack.
I'm always in a big hurry when I take off her panties... Especially when she comes home unexpected and I'm still wearing them.
I told my wife that I had a boner with her name on it. She said that I lied because it's only big enough to put her initials on it.
If you don't like what I tweet then don't read it. You should still have the decency to favstar, mention and retweet my shit anyway.
I have blow job taste on a hand job budget.
I created a listing on Craigslist to sell a couch but I spelled it cooch on accident... and that's how I became a pimp.
I don't smoke nor do I drink. Unless we're talking about cigarettes and alcohol.
Sometimes when I am masturbating I feel like I'm the only person in the room.
By accident I slipped my cock into an empty paper towel roll. I should pull it out but it's head looks so cute sticking out of the top.
People always laughing at me at Church is proof that I am funnier when I am drunk.
If you're an uptight prick or cuntess and you can't handle a little bit of tasteless humor directed at you then by all means... Fuck off.
My memory foam mattress and I both agreed to forget what just happened.
I type it. I read it. I retype it. I read it again. I tweet it. I read it. I notice a typo. WTF!!
I was shirtless in my backyard this morning until a drunk dude riding a unicycle yelled "nice boobs!" as he rode by.
I like my women like I like my reflection in this mirror. Very sexy and clean shaven.
I don't steal tweets... I steal bikes, baseball cards and jewelry.
I just got fired for tweeting during business hours. If the person who reported me is reading this... Go fuck yourself!
I love the sound of a woman moaning. Lately I've had to step on their toes to hear it though.
Follow who ever the fuck you want to follow today. Just don't unfollow me. #FF
I was on top of my house getting ready to jump until I remembered I had The Twilight Saga: Eclipse from Netflix... I'll watch that first.