Thinking about getting "Lipton" tattooed on my ball sack.

I'm always in a big hurry when I take off her panties... Especially when she comes home unexpected and I'm still wearing them.

I told my wife that I had a boner with her name on it. She said that I lied because it's only big enough to put her initials on it.

If you don't like what I tweet then don't read it. You should still have the decency to favstar, mention and retweet my shit anyway.

I have blow job taste on a hand job budget.

I created a listing on Craigslist to sell a couch but I spelled it cooch on accident... and that's how I became a pimp.

I don't smoke nor do I drink. Unless we're talking about cigarettes and alcohol.

Sometimes when I am masturbating I feel like I'm the only person in the room.

By accident I slipped my cock into an empty paper towel roll. I should pull it out but it's head looks so cute sticking out of the top.

People always laughing at me at Church is proof that I am funnier when I am drunk.

If you're an uptight prick or cuntess and you can't handle a little bit of tasteless humor directed at you then by all means... Fuck off.

My memory foam mattress and I both agreed to forget what just happened.

I type it. I read it. I retype it. I read it again. I tweet it. I read it. I notice a typo. WTF!!

I was shirtless in my backyard this morning until a drunk dude riding a unicycle yelled "nice boobs!" as he rode by.

I like my women like I like my reflection in this mirror. Very sexy and clean shaven.

I don't steal tweets... I steal bikes, baseball cards and jewelry.

I just got fired for tweeting during business hours. If the person who reported me is reading this... Go fuck yourself!

I love the sound of a woman moaning. Lately I've had to step on their toes to hear it though.

Follow who ever the fuck you want to follow today. Just don't unfollow me. #FF

I was on top of my house getting ready to jump until I remembered I had The Twilight Saga: Eclipse from Netflix... I'll watch that first.