Am I well hung? Well, I learned to not walk around naked after showering when there is a kitten in the house.

I just told a woman almost as old as my mother I would not ass fuck her in case she decides she wants to experiment with shitting on people.

I decided I need a meaningful and long term relationship. I'm afraid my cats are going to need to step up.

If I can't have someone in my life that will make me a sammich, can I at least have someone in my life to make a sammich for?

Twitter is my bitter, sarcastic best friend that I can whisper inane thoughts to and laugh without judgement.

That awkward moment when you realize the other person in the car is choosing songs from their playlist as subliminal messages to you.

Gandalf said, "There are far worse things them goblins in the deep places of the world." I think he meant hemorrhoids.

If there such a thing as a cuddle prostitute? Asking for a lonely, lonely, softly sobbing friend.

I am "just the right amount" of creepy. I have references.

I only star your shit to get your attention, like pulling your pigtails on the playground, or in the bedroom.

If we have sex after dark, I will turn on a light. Because I want to see how lucky I am, and seeing is believing.

As an experiment, I followed someone on Twitter that was "similar to me" to see if I could get along with myself. Apparently, I scare me.

Wouldn't be awesome if a contestant on a game show admitted they only wanted the prize money so get a divorce?

Yes, I will wait for the perfect woman, because it would be rude to expect someone to change,& a ton of work, because I want the impossible.

I have a huge oak desk. Because I am geek compensating.

I had Strawberry Shortcake for breakfast. She squirms.

I just saw a McDonald's flag at half mast, but not the U.S. one right beside it. Did the Hamburglar die or something?

Dreamt about eating a huge marshmallow. Down side: Woke up missing a pillow. Up side: When I fart it looks like a dove flies out my ass.

Amy Pond is sexy. I want one. And the Doctor is bow legged.

Wow! Olives taste pretty horrible when they have not been soaking in Gin or Vodka for a few hours!